Red Tent

This isn't about knitting, or politics, of lifestyle or dating or anything.   It is about blood. 

I want to know why menstruation is unmentionable.  I mean, I'm mentioning it, so perhaps that's the wrong word - but I'm 37.  I'm long past the age of being embarrassed by having to purchase menstrual supplies, but I still remember in college, running into a boy I had a crush on - what was his name? - while I was in the grocery store and holding a box of tampons in my hand.  I buried that box in my basket so fast I didn't notice I put it IN my giant purse, gaping open in the basket, instead of under it....until check out when I set off the theft alarm with the illicit box of now stolen feminine products.   

I hate that euphemism.  They were OB tampons.  And last night I bought a packet of Always and while I wasn't embarrassed exactly, I was very...um...aware that the clerk was a young man.

And what is with these products names?  OB?  Does that mean anything?  Is is supposed to suggest the clinical rectitude of their ancestry? (Designed by a woman gynecologist!).  Always?  Always what?  Prepared?  Protected?  Bleeding?  And the cryptic boxes - thin means what? Low bulk? Low absorbency?  How 'bout a nice clear "rated for X grams of fluid".  Now that would be helpful.

I swear to all the goddesses, I am tired of being made to be discrete about something that happens to a significant majority of women, as much as 25% of the time, over a significant portion of their lives.  It's messy.  So are birth and sex and love and the rest of the things that make up the topography of the human landscape.  We need to admit this.  Get used to it.  Make it part of our worldview.

I really think half the discomfort comes from sort of emotionally and physically trying to not make a mess, to hold it back - to suppress the self, this force of nature.  Which as women we are asked to do a great deal of the time already.

Last night,  I was complaining at therapy about how awful I felt and how I just needed to be left alone to bleed quietly for a couple of days and how much I resent the fact that I'm supposed to suck it up and not feel headachey and bloated and tired and stupid and heat sensitive - because apparently this is female and weak and not terribly polite - even though all my body's resources are being used for essentially a complete system reboot and I haven't got anything left for being sparkly. 

I was in full rant, and my therapist - who is a man - suddenly looked struck.  And asked me if they ought to keep appropriate supplies in the bathroom at the office.  Tampons dude, yes, you should keep tampons in the bathroom.  Most of the doctors who lease offices there - men.  Custodian - man.  Building manager - man.   Never thought of it.  Probably would be embarrassed to think about it.  But no matter how well you plan, sometimes you are caught short.  This is not a moral failing, a weakness or a sign of incompetence, it is a indicator of the unpredictability of the human body.  And it would be nice if a solution were available other than embarrassment and an uncomfortable roll of TP.

He wanted to know where they ought to put them.

Under the sink.  With the extra TP.

Will women know to look there? 

Um, yes, I think we could manage that.

It's a new idea for sure.  He'll mention it to someone and maybe there will be one office in this town where your period can come early without woe.  For a little while.

So obviously I'm over most of my conditioning if I can discuss this freely with a middle aged man.  But it isn't just that I'm tired of pretending, is that I want the process and the strain of the experience given a proper place in the world.  It doesn't have to be a loud place - I don't need a banner to march under.  I just want to be able to unapologetically be bleeding.  It takes energy, you know?   A lot of energy.   And even more to strap on a smile and pretend to not feel anything.

You know that movie with Emma Thompson and Arnold Schwarzenegger?  Junior?  When she rants about the swellings and achings and leaking of being a woman?  I love that.  I don't hate what's happening to me.  I love being female.  I just think a lot of what makes it hard is the need to be underground and polite about it.  To not be able to say right out that I can't go anywhere today because I need to keep challenging things to the minimum and to be near a restroom.   To have that not be a reason for someone to make a joke or pat me on the head or think I can't hold political office because I might bomb something in crampy moment.

Because you know, it's menstruation at the root of all the bombing.  Right.

Comments

[Siri]

Right on! Bleed away...and talk about it! I speak freely about my bleeding with our boys so that hopefully they won't have hangups and discomfort about it later.
Now, as a mother of small children, if I could just get stepstools placed in each and every bathroom as well, so that no one ever has to juggle a baby and try to hold their toddler up to the sink to wash their hands. Step stools and tampons. Yup. That's what we need.

[Angelia]

Love this post, Juno.

[Christina]

Complete system reboot! I LOVE that.

[Anne]

I have a theory, a theory that part of what makes menstuation "unmentionable" is that it make men uncomfortable. Normally, bleeding is not such a great idea, you need to keep that red stuff inside you, but women, they bleed once a month (!) and are just fine. What really frustrates me is that I'm uncomfortable talking to some other women about mensturation. It's like, even though we're women and we both do it, for whatever reason talking about birth control or menstruation, or brest self exams is totally not okay. I hate that about our culture.

Also, I read somewhere that this uncomfortableness came about when societies became patriarchial. That when we were matriarchial we were more open and okay with it.

Check out "Honoring Menstruation". Don't have the author on me at the moment, but I'm reading through it now. Some of her issues were so not my issues, but a lot of what she says really makes sense.

I wonder if we could fix the world by fixing women's views of themselves and putting them back in power. How fast would the wars be over then?

[moiraeknits]

I loved this entire post. Spot on (so to speak), and perhaps the next time I meet with my brother who finds it oh-so-very-funny and mockable, I'll just let him have it with both barrels. Or maybe just stuff the wasabi on the sushi platter up his nose.

[jennifer]

I am completely with you on this. I started my period pretty early (11) and it was traumatic. It took me a long time to not feel embarassed about being on my period. Now I'm fine with it. I bleed. It happens.

What I really wish though is that I didn't have to go through that initial embarassment, and that I didn't live in a society that views menstruation as a shameful thing, a thing that should be hidden. It's ridiculous.

Thank you for bringing this up.

[Carrie]

I had the same rant about how pregnancy and childbirth are seen as diseases that must be "managed" now. Gimme a break, boys, where did women go before hospitals were invented?
I can't imagine being banished to a tent full of other hormonal, crampy, smelly women (cuz let's face it, it's hot in a red tent in the sun). Have you ever seen that "email funny" that goes around occasionally? About how tampons and pads would be free if men menstruated? They'd get a week off every month, and prescription pills to deal with the bloating and the cramps? Yeah.

[Ellen]

This is very well said. It would be a major step forward if our culture could make a place for genuinely honoring the body, the female body in particular.

I wonder how much we should blame Descartes as the key author of the post-Enlightenment mind/body split that drives Western culture in many ways that are no longer even consciously acknowledged? I mean, I'm wondering how different things might be if we had a truly integrated notion of a person's body and her intelligence/her mind?

Just a thought. Be well, and thanks for your thoughtful post.

[ann]

perfect! you have written what I didn't even know I was thinking!

[liz]

Texas used to have what were called Blue Laws. This meant that there were only specific things you could buy on Sunday. The malls were closed and you could only buy food items in the grocery stores. And, of course, I ran out of anything remotely appropriate on a Sunday. And the very nice grocery store manager said that he would be happy to create a special promotion for me. Free box of tampons with the purchase of this five dollar bag of carrots. I still think of him fondly.

[mindy]

I swear, it's the way Orthodox Judaism addresses menstruation that killed religion for me. The monthly ritual bath you're supposed to take because menstruation is unclean, and the implied (and sometimes overt) message that this periodic (sorry) 'uncleanliness' makes it impossible for women to play an active role in group rituals - well, that just stinks to high heaven. Tampons should be as taboo as Tylenol, says I.

[Danielle]

And let's not forget the extended postpartum menstruation. My extremely prenatal friend told me today that she was stunned when she found out that it can last six weeks or longer. Single me was stunned, too-- I assumed three weeks. It's pretty amazing that menstruation is kept so under wraps (um, har har) that neither of us knew the specifics of what happens after you have a baby.

About the bombing, while I agree... dagnabbit, where was that line I read just this week? possibly from Madeleine Albright? saying, to paraphrase, "Anyone who thinks that the world would be peaceful if women ran it has obviously never spent time with high-school girls."

[Judith in NYC]

I grew up in Puerto Rico, openly speaking about menstruation and its discomforts with my family and friends. Then I moved to the USA and found that my new friends would look at me askance if I so much as mentioned that I was having bad cramps.
Ten years ago I moved to NYC and since I was not sure I wanted to work at my profession any more I took a job teaching Spanish at an ALL GIRLS high school.
One day I ran out of the classroom because I could feel blood just gushing out (at the very end of my menstruating years I would get awful hemorrages). When the girls asked what was wrong, I just showed them my hand where I had hidden a tampon.
I could not believe my ears when next day the principal called me to the office and gave me a tongue lashing for being so indiscreet and tasteless.

I still don't know what I did wwrong.

[k]

My ex used to get mad at me when my period came. He was convinced I did it on purpose.
I worked as a cook at one place where we had a code; "I'm a girl today". Worked real well.

[Kris]

Amen Sister.

[Allyson]

Men do have a testosterone cycle which runs about 45 days.

[Melanie]

Hah. I'm thrilled when I get my period because it means that, yet again, I am not pregnant. Even on the pill I was happy to get that little confirmation.
My mother told me that my grandmother didn't get any warning about periods and so she thought she was dying when her period showed up. Her mom (my great-grandmother) set her straight but it was more in the "it's normal, here are some cloths, you're not dying" style than anything useful. As a result, when grandma had 3 daughters of her own, she brought in the school nurse to explain menstruation to them.

[kim]

how very timely! on monday i'll be teaching my psychology of women class about puberty and we always have a discussion of menstruation... well, more of a lecture as most of the girls and guys are too mortified that i could stand up in front of them and say words like menstruation and vagina.

we frequently talk about how ads for pads and tampons are totally focused on the idea of hiding and pretending your period doesn't exist. and certainly that reinforces the idea that it is shameful, why would you hide something that isn't shameful?

i always recommend to the students to check out www.lunapads.com for affordable alternatives to pads and tampons (including the diva cup and washable cotton pads... both of which i LOVE!!) sure these products force you to deal more intimately with the blood, but it does remind you of the womanliness of it and the naturalness of it.

we also read Gloria Steinem's "If Men Could Menstruate" essay (http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/steinem.html)

thanks for a great post!!

[Jinxsa]

I am the same way, If the cashier is a young male I am uncomfortable, not because I am buying pads but because I doubt he is mature enough to deal with it.

I work in a store with all girls. There are pads and tampons in plain view. We all get our periods within a week of each other (not a fun week). It's not taboo. Everyone I work with knows I think my OB/GYN is a fasist because he won't let me knit during my pap because it makes him uncomfortable (my dentist who I can actually poke with the needles and causes me way more pain/discomfort, no problem with it). We girls can laugh and joke and it's ok.

My best friend is a guy. I can send him for pads, I can't guarentee he'll get them right but he'll get them. HE'S mature enough to realize that one week of the month the tampon box is going to sit on the back of the toilet. I think I will keep him around. ;> The reason he can do this is he is secure in his manhood and mature. Most men really...not so much it seems.

[Dorothy B]

Yep, amazing how people can go around with all their bits dangling out and we still can't go to the grocery and get tampons without feeling like we're trying to commit a heinous crime.
Like there's no shame in being mostly naked, but God forbid we have a period or feel pissy and weepy.
That would be me today and yesterday. Heaven help the children. It's turning out to be a real rollercoaster this month. Maybe that's because I'm on week two and already sick of it.
I'm off to Google Diva Cup now.
Thanks for this post Juno.

[inky]

Oh, I just love getting it when I'm teaching - and I won't be able to visit the necessary for another 37 minutes. I have many creative ways for crossing my legs and directing attention to other corners of the room.

[Lene]

Because we've been bleedin' (pun intended) conditioned that anything "messy" and remotely bodily-function is Just Not Ladylike (remember "animals sweat, men perspire, women glisten"?). And then we get the new fancy-arsed pills so we don't have to menstruate more than 4 times a year! Or at all!! Won't that be great!! Bah!

I like my period - well, not excessively fond of the emotional rollercoaster and the migraines, but figure they serve to, as you said, reboot me, clean out various things (emotions included) and dammit, I Like My Period! It reminds me that I'm connected to something, that I'm not a machine. Or a man - which apparently is what we must all aspire to, because that's the norm, right? Someone who isn't messy and emotional (nevermind that men are not machines, either).

And while I'm at it - why are pads and tampons so damned expensive? If men had periods, I bet they wouldn't cost that much. And dear god, why must they all have little twee flowers and doves on them?

A-hem. Sorry for the incoherence (and no, I'm not even PMSing) - it makes me mad. Thanks for posting about this.

[Lynn]

What timing! I was just sent this link by a friend:
http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm
Turn the volume down if you're at work.

[Becky]

You know, I was just thinking about this very issue the other day as I was having my own body leakages. I was installing the Always with wings and the little strip on the wing read "Have a Happy Period--ALWAYS". Very thoughtful that someone wants us to have a happy period, but ALWAYS!!!

[Jen K.]

I've been reading your blog for a while, and your comments today reminded me of two things. The first is the "If men had periods" e-mail that went around for a while: http://www.comedycorner.org/59.html

The second is a conversation from graduate school. If someone was going to lunch or to get coffee, they often asked if anyone needed anything. One time, a whole debate (much bigger than the boxers/briefs/boxer-briefs debate) ensued about which of the men would mind picking up a box of tampons. Even though they knew we got periods every month, the (mostly single) men had never thought about the actual act and how it affected our lives. Unfortuately, this conversation didn't change anything, and no one ever asked one of the men to pick up a box of 'pons.