A kick in the head.

A lot of people left comments yesterday expressing their deep gladness with singleness and wariness about dating and the insanity of other people and I really wanted to say a little bit about that.

First - my thanks for all your outrage and sympathy on my behalf.  It is much appreciated and also a lot of fun to picture you all at my back like angry dancing hookers in artistic rags.  My recent encounter with Love is a Battlefield in 13 Going On 30 lingers, apparently.

Second - there have absolutely been times when I have looked around at what I can see of coupled life and been deeply, deeply grateful to be unattached.  Just as I know my married friends sometimes look at my life and are envious of my independence and sometimes look at my life and are deeply, deeply grateful for their spouses, we all have moods and moments where the grass is greener.  Or not.

On balance, I would like a family.  If I don't ever find it, I will have a satisfying life, continue to evolve and enjoy myself and my freedom, despite the periods of loneliness.  If I do I will have a satisfying life, continue to evolve and enjoy myself and my family, despite my occasional longing for loneliness.  But I would like a family, so I date and I use the Internet because it has been a far more effective tool - for me - than real life for generating actual dates.

I don't do everything right, I assure you.  Every time I go out I learn a startling amount about myself and about other people.  Sometimes it is terribly painful, sometimes hilariously awful, sometimes exciting, sometimes wonderful.  But I like to learn.

And here is the point I want to make.  I do not regret any of it. 

Let me say it again - I do not regret any of it.  Not the ones that ended with a bang or the ones that ended with a whimper.  Not the ones who hurt my feelings.  Not the ones who made me incredibly angry.  Not the ones who made me doubt myself in a 1000 ways. Not the one who broke my heart. 

I really believe - not just saying it, not trying to believe it - that experience is a worthwhile goal in its own right.  Actually, I don't just believe this, I know it.
I want a great outcome, of course I do, a fantastic romance, a life changing love.....but our experiences never really complete themselves, so beginning by looking for a result is desperately premature, shortsighted even.  Fairytale thinking. 

Stories - real stories - don't ever end. 

It is the journey that learns us, the landscape we travel that shapes our lives and I chose to, as much as possible, remain open to it.  I concede that some days I do a better job than others.

That's what works for me - your experiences may have led you to a different perspective and I can't and wouldn't change that.
OK, that's a lie.  If you are my friend I have almost certainly tried to persuade you to this viewpoint.  Perhaps ad nauseum.   I like to think I would respect you enough to not be disrespectful, but I know something.  And I want you to know it too.

The things I told you about yesterday - yes, depressing.  People can be the worst.   
Also, deeply, perversely, limbs-don't-work funny.

I can't tell you to head out shields-down.  I can't, because you will absolutely, guaranteed, get kicked in the head.  Bruised.  Embarrassed.  You will worry that you're too fat, or bad in bed, or boring.  That no one will like you.  You will think that men are insane.  You will doubt yourself.  You will be sad.  You will show too much too soon, you will blow it by being too guarded, too careful.  You will be astonished at the lies people tell, as well as the lies you tell yourself.

You may also have someone say something to you you've never heard, you'll make out in a parking lot, someone will touch your hand and you'll feel things you had forgotten, you'll surprise yourself with what you're capable of, you'll stand on a street laughing as hard as you've ever laughed with someone and it will feel like a miracle for a minute.  You'll make a friend, you'll learn new kinds of honesty.  You might feel known.  You will learn what it is you really want. 

And you'll have lots of good stories.

I don't think life is supposed to be an even keel.  Have high expectations, have hopes, have standards.  Don't be afraid to tell someone to get lost.  But don't be afraid to tell someone to sit down either. 

 

Comments

[caroline]

oh, girl, you NAILED it. Permission to direct well-meaning friend to your blog when they ask why/how can I do that online dating thing?
beautifully, lyrically said. mwah.

[julia fc]

These two posts are the very best of your writing. I do think you are wise and wonderful and someday (hopefully soon) you'll figure out how to put it in the book you'll share with the wider world, because people could use this.

[Specs]

*applause*

Right on. I've got your back like an angry dancing hooker any day.
(Even though we don't really know each other and I don't comment on your blog much and this might sound a little odd coming from a blog-stranger.)

[Carolyn]

You know - I was perfectly happy being single - I never intended to get married. I did get married when I was 33 and I've been happy since, but if he had never come along I'd still be single and very happy. Even up to my wedding day I worried that I'd be really unhappy having to share my time and space with someone. It really boiled down to I couldn't imagine life with him not in. Luckily for me his mom and grandma are/were knitters and I can spend every dime on yarn and he even takes me to new yarn stores he sees just 'cause. Man, I'm lucky. I guess what I'm saying is if you are happy with yourself and your life - who cares if you are single or not. And who knows - someone will come along like my husband when you aren't even looking or wanting. :) cls

[Diane]

I sure wish we lived closer together. It would be great to get together and hear all about your travels through the dating world.

[Paula]

Like knitting, it's about the process. Product is great, but it's the process that keeps us going.

[Cath]

Oh, very nicely said! I've been married and now I'm not, and you are so right about the color of the grass. But, selfishly? I really love your tales of encounters with the fringe elements.

[Gina]

You are absolutely right in your attitude -- be it for dating, finding a job, and just living.

[Laurie]

Ah, fantastic attitude. And for the record, aside from my happily single comment yesterday, I have several friends who met their spouses online and those are some of the neatest, cutest guys I have ever met. So they are there, probably having horrendous dates too.

[Suzanne Treadway]

Ah, yes. Again I could have written this (and yesterday's) post. I too have been having more success in the internet dating world than in "real life," and I think part of it is that I am so set or secure in myself and my lifestyle that it's hard for me to just go out and meet someone without knowing more about them. One thing that I know I want is a family too...and I know I can achieve that with or without a man. Someone said to me the day before yesterday "I admire how you are just comfortable in your own skin." One of the biggest compliments I've ever gotten! But it's taken me a long time to get here. Anyway, long comment to say: love your writing! Thanks for sharing your life! And snuggle with the kitty!

[Melanie]

Oh yeah. It's been one hell of a ride so far and I wouldn't trade a jot of it, the pain and the pleasure both. All experiences can be educational. Even if sometimes you get to be the warning example to others.

[Katy]

When I was dating through the newspaper personal ads (before the days of internet dating, lol), a lot of people shared their negative stories about blind dates with me (not just the funny ones, but the negative ones). They seemed to be looking for a specific Mr. Right, and so every date ended up as a disappointment. My attitude was more like, "Hey! This is an adventure! Lookee here, I'm just going to jump in and see what life has to offer!" And although I had my disappointments, I think the whole experience was a good one for me. It's all about taking the risks: sometimes you crash and burn, and sometimes there utter exhiliration.
p.s. I loved your date stories. My coworkers wondered why I was guffawing at my desk.

[Shelagh]

but of course...

[carrie]

Through all the different paths this journey has taken me, I try to take a few minutes each day to be grateful that I am here. I love making the connection with a good person, an open person, a person without too much of a difference between their social selves and their real selves. Finding people like that makes all the insincere people fade. Thanks for your blog entry. It's very enlightening and hopeful.

[lanea]

Ok, now don't take this the wrong way even though there is no right way to take it, but stop making me try to figure out a way to make you engage in guided parthenogenesis or the like. Because I'm pretty sure, if it could be done, it would start the craziest apocalypse of trouble . . .
So, Nuala Ni Dhomhnaill will never get out of my head, but this week in particular makes me think of "Aubade" (http://crazylanea.typepad.com/eating_poetry/2006/01/aubade.html). She celebrates our ability to want more and better and other and yet make beautiful, kind lives out of whatever stuff is available to us. That's all there is in life, really. And it's pretty damn good most of the time.

Also, a seeing-eye dog I've had a crush on for ages sat with me on the train this morning. And this fine specimen of a pooch used my foot as a pillow the whole way to work, and licked my hand, and was wonderful in the way he was doing all of the stuff aide dogs aren't supposed to do while working. His person, who had no idea this was happening at first, mentioned that his dog was nearing retirement and seeking out all of the people he needed to show love to before he got to quit working all day every day. Fantastic thing, that.

[Cheryl]

Ah, the stories. The stories are the best part. Or maybe the making out in parking lots is. I'll have to think on that one, they both have a lot in their favor.
Good post today, sometimes I need that litte kick in the pants, reminding my that I will have a satisfying life no matter what route it takes, because I choose to make it so.

[Lee Ann]

Those last two sentences are IT, dude.

[Beth]

Ok, ok. You're right. It's definitely a learning experience on all fronts. And I try to make sure I'm going to a good restaurant or cool place so my time isn't completely wasted. And I have too often felt bad about not giving someone a chance because of their looks. But that's life, that's humanity. I need to be able to reject as much as be rejected. Being The Rejector is a lot harder for me than being The Rejected. It makes internet dating difficult. Now I'm back where I was - 80% sure I'll do it again.

[Barb]

I like your thoughts. Life is a journey. There are hills and valleys. Sometimes one journeys alone, sometimes in a pack, and sometimes in a relationship. Regret and guilt trips really waste time. It's amazing what one can learn everyday!

[Ruth]

I admire you enormously for your self-possession, courage and sense of adventure. In a sense, I am in that space career-wise - throwing away the arbitrary rules and expectations and giving myself permission to risk screwing up royally. It sounds like a grand adventure, but I have many days of self-doubt and sheer terror. Reading the thoughts of braver, more highly evolved women like you inspires me to press on.

[Lynne aka witchypoo]

There are many ways to have a family without the benefit of a spouse/partner. I'm a single mother by choice (Murphy Brown). There's adoption, big sisters, mentor programs all kinds of ways that you can be apart of a childs life and make them part of your (extended) family.

Oh and if you are interested, I have a 15 year old daughter I would be happy to loan/give you.

Don't wait for prince charming or permission to do what you want or need in your life.

[Joan]

Thank you so very much - I think adventure is (almost always) better than no adventure and love of any sort is never wasted. Take courage, faithful heart.

[Luise]

You're so right: it's the journey that teaches us, no matter which path we take. And there's no one right path for anyone -- very impt. Some of us were taught that "X" would make us happy or was necessary for us to be happy. Absurd. Happiness is a bonus, and if we look we can find it many places. And some days it may be hard to see. It's all part of the journey. It's taken me 65 years to put all this together; you're way ahead of me!

[Chris]

What she said. Yeah.