cogitation.

I am having the hardest time writing these days - most unusual for me to have nothing to say.  Usually - in life as well as blog - I have so many words I trip on them trying to get the thoughts out before they evaporate, stumble on my tongue, typo as my hands trip on each other (I am the world's worst typist).

The thing is, they rarely do evaporate.  The ones that are worth something, the thoughts that have legs, they float in my head, they stay and sit and become more complex thoughts.  Which sometimes doesn't happen if I am rushing around.

There are times, of course, when the words tumble out with urgency because the thinking is already done and I am on fire to tell, tell, tell someone what's brewed in my head, what realization, what revelation.  But on the occasions I don't know what I think until it comes out of me, I am starting to understand that I might be jumping the gun, that if I slow down, hold on, form and shape before I speak, I might see more of the detail, feel the layers more acutely. Learn.

I've been walking around recently feeling everything more acutely, really.  Not in a bad way - of course, I don't think anything one can feel is really bad, even if it hurts like fire - more of an enhanced awareness.  I feel both fiercer - capable of more than I may have thought in the past, however you define more - and gentler, rooted in the earth.  This is a new one for me, I'm used to feeling ungrounded, not like I could ground others.  This week anyway.

All this is so amorphous, I can't get stories out of it.

I've noticed at the gym my routine is changing - in the beginning I did weight training exclusively, and slacked hard on cardio for cardio's sake.  It is frankly boring - does anyone love the elliptical machine, or do we tolerate it out of necessity (perceived or genuine)?  Starting 6 months ago I began lightening my weights - strangely my back pain eased at the same time - and learning more about core development.  Now I am never happier than after I've spent an hour with my abs, not because I am working my six pack, but because the more I work with my core the better I feel, more stable, calmer, balanced. Upright, graceful. Thinking more slowly with my body. 

Yoga is clearly around the corner.

Evolutionary change is the only way I know.  Making a big decision to become something new has never worked for me, sudden shifts upset my personal apple cart and I've never been able to not snap back onto the accustomed path.  But constant minute adjustments over time - if I look back, the arc of  change has been remarkable.  A friend told me this spring - when we were driving home from Maryland after the Sheep & Wool festival, actually - that she can't believe how different I am from the woman she met 7 years ago.  When I was, really, a bit of a hermit. 

(We had to stop for a minute and marvel at the 7 years part.)

Since my friendships have evolved as surely as I have, she is one of the few with that length of perspective on it.  And she's right.   

I was at the Rolfer earlier this week for a tune up and I had the cashmere scarf with me, in progress.  She touched it with that look on her face - you know the one, the one that says that the scarf turns out to be for her, not me, I just didn't know it when I started it.  I finished last night and need to pin and steam it before I send it over. 

I'm glad I've slowed down enough to see those moments sometimes now.

Comments

[Rose]

Well, I'm a teensy bit jealous as I've been feeling things more acutely lately too but I feel that the learning is still out of reach, and I'm not a patient woman. Good for you, keep it up, and I'll keep trying here on my end.

[seizuresalad]

Lovely post, thank you. I do believe those little personal evolutions are important to pull out and look at sometimes, the changes can be so subtle at the time, and we can miss the significance of them.

[Angie]

I have read your post at least three times this weekend as well as the comments. This post really punched me in a weak spot or two. Thank you for the great post and the motivating ideas.

[Manise]

Yes to Pilates. I second Laurie :-)

[Lissa]

It's amazing, isn't it, what working the core can do? We never think about it, but it's a basic tenet of architecture - the building is only as sturdy as its supports. So when our back hurts, for example, we keep trying to add on to the building...but we ought to be concentrating on the support that is our core!

Yoga is...marvelous. I love it so, so much. If you go there, make sure you find a good studio with a really peaceful vibe!

[Warrior Knitter]

Terrific post. I can identify with so much of it.

[Anne]

There was an article in O Magazine about the first 20 days of making a change. One guy said that if you wanted to make a change, you should be sure it was "safe"--not that you shouldn't be brave and daring, but to try to choose something that your brain didn't perceive as threatening. Not sure it's gospel truth, but interesting.

I'm about to do some things that my brain perceives as DANGER! DANGER! RUN AWAY FAST! EAT COOKIES! CURL UP IN A LITTLE BALL IN THE CORNER OF THE SOFA! But hopefully when I've done it, tapering off on cookies won't feel so fraught.

[KarenJoSeattle]

My reaction to your post was also to suggest Pilates. I do a private lesson every Friday and it's made significant changes progressively over the three years I've been regular about it. Plus, I feel so comfortable in my skin right now, five hours after my lesson.

If you can't swing private sessions, try out a beginner mat series. Do find a studio with certified instructors. It's a complex system.

Enjoy the changes you've made so far.

[tina]

I love reading you. I don't know what your book will be, but I'll read it. Thanks for limping through the things you think you don't know how to say -- acts of faith haul so many of us through so much.

[Allison]

Y-O-G-A :)
You'll never be the same (in good way!)
A lovely piece of writing, right down to the scarf.

[Laurie]

Yes. And yes. So much. Exactly. Yep. Grounding. Key, and yes to the other, too.

So wise.

[Lizbon]

PS. I made a scarf last year that ended up being for somebody else, too. I had been unable to finish it until I realized it was for a friend, not me.

[Sarah]

Nice. It works best that way.

[Lizbon]

Right there with you, on pretty much all of it, which seems odd, because this is a very personal post. I guess I just like to see that I'm not the only one who spends this kind of time in her own head (and then tries to articulate it - not always an easy feat).

For me, the big exercise revelation has been about swimming, and it does much the same thing. My whole body feels stronger and more cohesive, if that makes sense. I feel like an athlete again, much more graceful. And it's been good for my head, too.

[Gwen]

The cogitations came out nicely.

JoVE - Kegel exercises and they're great to do at stoplights in traffic, or waiting for the bus, or at the computer... And I should do them more. (I've worked with lots of moms around childbirth time)

Good observation about incremental changes lasting and adding up to something large. The thought of an abrupt and huge change exhausts me, therefore I don't try and contemplate running away.

[Saralyn]

Thank you for this lovely, thoughtful post. In a world full of so much selfishness, where seeking the good seems to mean fighting against our whole culture, stories of personal transformation are a valuable gift.

[Ruth]

Pilates did that very thing for me - and then I lost it over the course of a year of change and preoccupation, but I am slowly regaining that ground. Probably the single best thing I could do for myself would be to stand up straight every single day, but that triggers an enormous amount of baggage regarding the fear of ceasing to be invisible.

[Kristen]

Selfishly, this is a perfectly timed post for where I keep thinking I'm at (and where I'd like to be?) - I'm just not quite there yet. I believe in camaraderie within similar experiences - and that is exactly what has been missing these past few months.

(and now I'm off to see if I can find a picture of the scarf you mentioned; it isn't the same one as the kit with various colors, is it?)

[Gina]

There is much to be said for strengthening one's core, and it's not just physical changes that are so great.

[Cathy-Cate]

For someone who did not feel she had much to say, this is such an eloquent post. Wow.
I was about to mention Pilates if you hadn't already tried it, but lg the Tsock Tsarina has beat me to it; yoga is so much more than just the muscles which is amazing. I very much enjoy Pilates, though, as a dancer especially; with the emphasis on a balanced ab (& back)/core strengthening with flexibility.
Thanks for writing this today!

[Kim]

you may be having trouble writing, but when you do, the words flow exquisitely

[Tsock Tsarina]

Are you even allowed to be that intelligently self-aware in public? I thought there was some kind of a law.

And yes, you're right: all indications point to yoga as being inevitable. Given your current core focus (hmmm - there's a multiple-entendre in there, isn't there), it's quite possible you might get there via Pilates - a worthy enterprise in itself - but one way or another I should say that's where you're headed. A good destination, too, though of course by definition it isn't a destination but a path. Still - there's a destination out there somewhere. See you there, maybe....

[Carrie]

Wow. It's amazing that you can take something that you love, that was intended for you, and give it away when someone else admires it in that way. I am too selfish. So much more to learn...

[JoVE]

You're on to something with the core. I used to do an aquafit class (and should get back to it but it'll have to wait until after the big trip) and that really helped that. And it makes so much difference to everything. Also my massage therapist told me recently that keegle (how do you spell that) exercises also strengthen your transverse abdominals. It is impossible to work the pelvic floor without the transverse abdominals. And that can really help you back. Best, is you can do them lying in bed with you knees bent before you get up.