Surely You're Joking. No really. 1st in a series.

I'm introducing a new semi regular feature here.  A friend suggested that I call it "Thursdays Are For Dickheads" but I think that's limiting.
In my time as an online dater I have met many, experienced much and learned even more.  And all this is good.  But I have never stopped being staggered by the entirely bizarre things strangers will say on the internet.

And I am not talking about a straightforward come on, even if perhaps a cruder one than I would like.  These go a step beyond.  Sometimes more than one.  It has been my habit to save them up, read them to a friend and delete them - in the beginning I tried to respond in a polite but discouraging way, but I have long given that up.

Some may say the mockery is cruel.  I say - if you send this to someone, all bets are off.

hi how are you this is tights guy and that might not mean much to you but here in burlington vt the woman have given me nick names like big bulge and longdong and big dicknand so on and you look so hot could I show you how I look in my tights and you might even think Im good looking too TIGHTS GUY

I swear to everything I hold sacred, I swear to CASHMERE - you can't make this stuff up.

Comments

[Liz]

I got one that was a long poem about being a turtle, from a young fellow who says he is in "Karachi, Russia." Now, Karachi is the capital of Pakistan, and to the best of my knowledge, I have never indicated interest in dating a turtle.

The online, she is a tricksy beast. Fun, though.

[merete]

oh wow somehow i have only walked in to online autists ending up months and months of intelligent emails about fibonacci and auden poems by them saying: i am down in a deep dark hole....
i wonder if that is better or worse.
i some how feel online dating is so depressing even though i know it is possible to meet fab guys who are actually breadwinners and who will see to you getting nice sprogs together. this happened to my niece...
happy search.

[Daisy]

This is beyond comprehension. As is the selling and purchasing of used, dirty socks on Ebay. Who in their right mind does these things? I mean, I might buy a pair of socks hand knit by Stephanie (the Yarn Harlot), but she'd have to wash them in the shower first. ;-)

[Melissa]

Be sure to post a follow-up after the first date, I really want to hear how this one , ahem, shapes up.

[Judy G.]

Maybe he thinks that his prowess at fiction will make up for his er, shortcomings? Talk about the little head thinking for the big head.

[Kay]

Number 1, I'm hoping there's a scrapbook being kept.

And also will you please bring the scrapbook to the blanket sew-up (soon to be scheduled I promise) to share with the rest of the class?

xo Kay

[ellen]

It's a wonder the whole species doesn't die out, as little as some men seem to know about what a woman wants.

[Kellee]

hee! So.Looking.Forward.To.This.Feature.

[Heidi]

I have friends who are on-line dating and have hear many stories like this one. They are funny and sad at the same time.
Thanks for the giggle.

[krn]

As a fellow online dater, I second this: you just cannot make this stuff up. I am definitely writing a book when I retire. I live in the DC area, and the guys here, besides thinking they have big dicks, also have big ego's.... [sigh] Maybe it will change when a new administration comes to town...

[Hope]

Your dating stories crack me up. Keep 'em coming.

[Marcy]

Juno! Juno! I found a video of your friend!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dmlu8MWZR0&feature=user

[Marcy]

I think you should tell Mr. Dickforbrains that you're really a man and see what that does for his longdong.

[Rose]

Boy that brought back memories! I used Match.com for 2-3 years and always said I should write a book about the experiences. I remember reading some ads like that and thinking "who in the world thinks that's hot?" But I met my husband through the service so it was all worth it! And I had fun in the process! Thanks for sharing

[Christine]

Does he think he's Peter Pan?

[Laurie]

Did you delete LeeAnn's comment?

S'funny. Content is key. I met my guy online, as you know. His spelling was mediocre. His punctuation was okay. The content was flawless.

I would guess that guy you quoted is counting his big one out of the gene pool pretty efficiently.

[PammieTaj]

Well, I have to tell you I met my husband on line. It was through a feature no longer available on Yahoo. He was one of about a dozen men in 'pursuit' of me. The tip off that he might be a 'good one'? Complete sentences. (c: Not using certain words in those sentences helped too.

Boys are dumb. Some dumb boys like to wear tights.

[sarah]

Gah. No single word does this justice. Horrid, sad and funny, all at once. Perhaps this is a digital flasher who believes he's less likely to suffer mockery and pneumonia once the weather turns cold. (I saw a flasher just once, in Canada, in January. I was 16. I laughed so hard...)

[no-blog-rachel]

Oh god to think until recently I lived in the same city as that dude. Though it's a small enough town - if the women actually called him that, I'd have heard about it.

When I did the on-line personals thing a couple of guys just sent me pictures of their dick - or maybe someone else's because theirs were lacking. Who knows. It didn't exactly tempt me to meet them.

[Rainy]

Whoah.

As a relatively new online dater, this fills me with even more trepidation than I am already experiencing.

[colleen]

Oh dear. Well, at least it's good for a laugh.

[Lizbon]

Oh Holy Freaking Hell. And I thought my emails were bad.

[cari]

Damn. I KNEW we should have moved to Burlington.

[donna lee]

You're right. You can't make this stuff up. Poor guy. I can just imagine him trying to fit his large self under the desk so he can write to you.

[Marin]

I suspect it's the same impetus that allows people to pick their noses and eat their findings because they're in their cars and... y'know... invisible.