If I ever find happiness, it'll be when I stub my toe on it.

Heh.  Met a goal, not a goal person.  Not the writing of greatest clarity.  Oops.

It is totally possible to meet a goal without having one.

I find with most things that I do much better if I sneak up on them.  Emotional growth, human understanding, knitting, exercise....if I make a chart, a goal statement and specific plan, the first thing I do is exactly the opposite of what will make progress happen. Maybe clean the cabinet under the sink.

I've never liked being told what to do, apparently not even by myself.  Which is totally strange really, because you would be hard pressed to find a less indirect human being than I.  Even when I am trying to be delicate and nuanced, all I end up doing is choosing the delicately nuanced word that most brutally rips the band-aid off.  I have a near-genius for it. 
Someday I must tell you about the incident that ended with my closest friend calling me an overeducated WASP bitch - mostly as a joke.  I was trying so very hard to be smooth about the question I had been asked, too. 

It never works. 

A few months ago I was talking about this with a friend - who had just said that I default to forthright, which made me gloomy.  Because, well, it IS true and it seems like such an unsophisticated way of being.  Am complex person, dammit.  So I was glooming - not unlike Eyore - about the problem that is my tendency to leak the truth, and his response was "well, not for you it isn't".  Which has been an interesting way to think about it.  Not my problem?  If another person is troubled by honesty or perception then that might be...their difficulty?
But isn't...everything my fault responsibility problem?  Huh.  (This person also suggested that the DVDs I have in my possession which belong to someone else that I have tried to return and not gotten a straight answer to where to send them are in fact, at this point, mine.  And maybe I could just let go of fretting about my obligation to the original owner at this point.  Huh again.)

Anyway - I do have goals, but making a list and systematically setting out to meet it doesn't work for me.  Instead, I have trends, trends in increased health, fitness, intellectual and emotional development, satisfaction, dating, cooking, bill paying, organization, etcetera....and of course, knitting. I like trends.  Trends leave room for back and forth progress without feeling like a failure, trends allow for maneuvering room, trends allow for flexibility.  Trends allow for falling without failing, for getting up and beginning again without having to start over.  Starting over sucks the energy right out of the soul (well, in this context anyway).

The way I see it, we are always Works In Progress, and there is no end to that.  And absolutes give me indigestion.  So do rules, for that matter.  So no resolutions, no goals.  Be or not be.  Stay in motion.  Some days better than others.

In the back of my mind I began the year thinking that I would like to get it right with a few sweaters, that I would like to get a handle on my fit issues, and choice issues for projects, and have some sweaters I liked to wear and you know, stop dicking around with being half-assed about knitting. No plan, just something to keep in mind.  To inform my choices with.

And here I am, in December. a lot of finished work that works for the last 12 months.  But no plan.  Never a plan.
Just a thought to guide me.
 

 

Comments

[Evalyn]

"Default to Forthright" A phrase that captures me exactly. I have struggled for years under the acusation of being "too complicated" a person. What I am, in reality, is complex. Which is different from complicated. Complicated evokes feelings of work, effort, puzzling out, unknotting the string. Knowing me does not require work or puzzling. Knowing me requires time. Which is why it took me so long to understand this about me. I default to forthright because anything else is complicated, requires planning and charts and lists. Being forthright is complex in that it requires instinct and self knowledge, not planning or pie-charts. Depth rather than breadth.

Like David, I believe in serendipity. Lay the groundwork by being real and being honest and what you really need in life will turn up. What you need, not to be confused with what you want. Complex, rater than complicated. Forthright.

[rams]

The issue may be the difference between truth and honesty. As always, Flannery O'Connor's eye is sharp:

"[A person’s] honesty is only honesty, not truth….To love people you have to ignore a good deal of what they say while they are being honest, because you are not living in the Garden of Eden any longer. "

[rams]

The issue may be the difference between truth and honesty. Flannery O'Connor had a nasty, clear-eyed way about her:

"[A person’s] honesty is only honesty, not truth….To love people you have to ignore a good deal of what they say while they are being honest, because you are not living in the Garden of Eden any longer."

[Bevin]

This entry reminded me of this quote:

Fear is not in the habit of speaking truth; when perfect sincerity is expected, perfect freedom must be allowed; nor has anyone who is apt to be angry when he hears the truth any cause to wonder that he does not hear it.

Tacitus

[Phil Boncer]

A friend who studies Buddhism passed me a gem some time ago. The idea was that before opening one's mouth,one should ask oneself, "Is it true?" and "Is it helpful?", and proceed only if both answers were "yes". I try to abide by that, although I don't always succeed.

According to this, forthrightness is good and fine, only hurtfulness or untruth is bad.

PhilB

[Jennifer]

Thanks for the post ... very good, indeed. I've been secretly enjoying your blog (not being a huge poster, though I'm trying to do better). From the comments, what you say is true for many of us, too ... could be nice to know that you're in company :-D

My favorite saying, too, is "You're not the boss of me." I use it alot (unfortunately?) (even more than I did as a kid when, really, everyone was the boss of me) and yes, find myself NOT doing something (even if I wanted to) for the simple reason that someone else told me to do it. Silly. Ah well.

I wonder if it has something to do with my Myers-Briggs INFJ-ness (I did enjoy this personality test thingee).

Jen

[Helen]

Trends...My friends always say I have "PROJECTS", with capitals. I'm not just 'doing' something...I have a Project. I find I go in spurts, that may be several years long. I'll paint watercolors, then oils, sew, or do ceramics, or spin or knit or write, but very seldom are they overlapping and I do repeat. When I look back a lot was accomplished. Looking back is where part of the satisfaction should come. I never planned out how much I would do, but I'm satisfied that I 'didn't waste' time. (Something my father couldn't abide. Try sleeping in past 8am during summer break!)
As for truthfulness...it is the foundation of all human virtues, but needs to be tempered with a kindly tongue. If people sincerely ask, there is a way to tell them what you think and well...they asked for it?
Different people have different modes of 'being'. I'm with the commentor who suggested the Meyers/Briggs Type Indicator inventory. Take it, look at your strengths and lesser strengths and use it to your advantage. I'm an introvert. You wouldn't know it at times. The M/B is helpful to reaffirm what you are best at. We need all those different colors in the world. Go Girl.

[Marin]

This, by the way, was very eloquent and one of those jasmine-scented sense-memory sorts of posts I love from you.

That said, I must now be me and hit the tangent: Have you ever been tempted to make a chart and a goal to, say, clean under the sink... just to see if dating, enlightenment or exercise would happen?

Not a suggestion, mind you, just a curiosity.

[mel]

I enjoyed this post a lot - thanks. I've always thought of myself as a goal-setter (still do) It doesn't always work for me, there are times when it makes me feel buried and guilty. But I have a hard time starting anything without the intention, so I break out the pen & paper & write it down - whether the paper gets lost or torn up or the goal changes slightly or hugely over time (they rarely DON'T), it helps get me moving in a direction - as long as I remember it's all about intent - and moving - and where I'm headed. I'm learning to do this more & more - be more flexible & forgiving with the whole thing. "I'm on the path" has been my motto for the year... I do still make a lot of lists though and pledges and proclamations etc have been rampant lately :) Guess I can't let go of the structure all at once !

[Lynn]

Trends. Good word. I might appropriate it for my own, ah, goal-setting, as I certainly did not meet my stated goals for 2007, but I sure as hell did a lot of knitting, etc., just not the knitting I thought I'd do.

One of my co-workers said this to me yesterday, "That's why I love you, Lynn, you are always straightforward." Made my day.

[Meg McG]

Unless they are wise most people won't pick up on what you're trying to avoid saying. With my friends and family I tell them I love them and to remember that when my honesty makes them uncomfortable. They appreciate the honesty and i dont pass judgement if my words go unheeded.
As for your personal development you might be interested to look into your personality type through either the Meyer-Briggs system or the Enneagram. Self awareness is crucial to self acceptance. You can't love and respect what you dont know. In the enneagram I would guess you might be a six, but I dont know for sure. You are so reflective and personal in your writings that you might already be familiar with personality typing.
Thanks for the great blog.

[Meg McG]

Unless they are wise most people won't pick up on what you're trying to avoid saying. With my friends and family I tell them I love them and to remember that when my honesty makes them uncomfortable. They appreciate the honesty and i dont pass judgement if my words go unheeded.
As for your personal development you might be interested to look into your personality type through either the Meyer-Briggs system or the Enneagram. Self awareness is crucial to self acceptance. You can't love and respect what you dont know. In the enneagram I would guess you might be a six, but I dont know for sure. You are so reflective and personal in your writings that you might already be familiar with personality typing.
Thanks for the great blog.

[Charlene]

Truth is interesting, isn't it?

Many years ago I had a friend who did something or another of which I didn't approve, but given that it was none of my business I said nothing (I'm in fact able to keep my mouth shut. My tongue has bite-marks all over. Not literally). Some time later she asked my opinion on the matter, claimed to be asking for honesty. I told her, as carefully and gently as I could. That was the last time we spoke - I think it was about twenty years ago.

Honesty and directness are vastly underrated. I think both are wonderfully efficient at weeding out those that fall in the "Life's Too Short" category.

[Phil Boncer]

I had a roommate in college who used that goal avoidance to get other things done. He called it "creative procrastination". He'd set a goal that really created a block, and then use it to get done everything that was a lesser evil than that.

I think your approach is healthier.

I also think that forthrightness is (a) very good, and (b) not at all incompatible with complexity, thoughtfulness, or even subtlety. Much of our society tries to train people (and especially women) to not be forthright about their own thoughts and needs, because such people cause less "trouble" and are easier to control.

The world needs many more people who are honest and forthright. Much that is not good is allowed to flourish when good-hearted but timid people don't speak up. So keep speaking up; your friend is right, people that have a problem with it have a problem, but it is *their* problem.

And Eeyore is one of my favorite characters in literature. I have one tattoo, and it is of the E.L. Shepard illustration of Eeyore's birthday, with Pooh and Piglet walking away and Eeyore happily putting his popped balloon in his empty honeypot.

PhilB

[David]

I like it. Keep on truckin'.

[Melanie]

I am a huge fan of serendipity. Prepare the ground, go about your business, and see what turns up, because it'll almost always be what you need. Also: goals, schmoals, it's all about the journey--what you do and how you do it.

Maybe we need to start a pro-forthright movement. I can do diplomatic in a pinch, but my default setting is to be blunt because nine times out of ten it's simply a lot more efficient to say exactly what you mean. And I agree with others who've pointed out that indulging in plain talking says fuck-all about your inner complexities.

(Congratulations on a successful knitting year!)

[Anne]

YES YES YES.

Forthrightness just leaves more room for all the complex things that can't be sorted out in a sentence. Just because it's how you are doesn't mean it needs to be changed.

(One of my favorite sayings now that I'm an adult is, "You're not the boss of me." Doesn't work as well with my actual boss, though she'd agree with me.) Cheers for the instinctively contrary. Better than being sheep. Or not. You know.

[Margaret]

A few years ago it was explained to me about "setting intent" at a time when I desired change but didn't exactly know what I wanted to do. It works. A general direction for movement and change. A trend.

[claudia]

Always something good to read here.

[Rose]

I, too, hate being told what to do. If I sidle up to something, if other people give me enough room, I'll do just about anything, but tell me, and I kind of dig my heels in, even if it's in my best interest. Thanks for giving me another way to look at my very similar problem. Happiness to you, or at least, peace and contentment!

[Marcy]

Trends. Yah. I like that. Kind of like out of the corner of your eye. Smart Juno.

[Harper]

My whole life people have said "You are so forthright!" clearly meaning it as a bad thing. Honesty is the best policy, my ass. And, of course, I am not really being forthright -- they should hear what I'm not saying.

I've come to realize that what people are often looking for is the shallow easy response -- not necessarily a lie -- rather than a thoughtful analysis. Social lubricant rather than actual discourse. I've become more fluent in shallow-speak [saying "Fine" in response to "How are you?" rather than raging against meaningless questions that still require a response] but I have no desire to bend to passive aggressive labeling. I'm a thinker and I'm honest. My philosophy is; if you only want to hear one particular answer, don't ask the question.

[Amy]

I love your musings; the part about honesty reminds me a bit of Ayn Rand. I was just glad that you didn't break your toe again after reading the title.

[Laurie]

Yeah, I've been told I'm not a bit subtle nor do I hold back. Which was a shock because I always thought I was subtle. And then I got pissed because I thought, "Dang, I am my Mother!"

For years I blamed it on growing up watching Three's Company whose only plot line was a misunderstanding. It used to make me nuts even as a kid that no one just asked a question or was direct. I just wanted to slap everyone silly. Or maybe my tendency was already there and that is why I wanted to slap everyone silly?

Goals tend to overwhelm me and I've always had to only focus on the smaller steps towards the larger goal. Instead of the goal of getting the family room clean, I can only focus on sorting out the knitting nest at the side of the couch. But still, when Christmas knitting is due, all of a sudden my house gets very clean. If my house needs to be clean for a party, my knitting makes a lot of progress. Anyway I can avoid, I usually do.

[Lizbon]

Oh, and e) There is no such thing as overeducated.