These days that go the other way.

I think its time to face the fact that I may not be a knit blogger.  A blogger, yes, and one who knits.  But as a knitter I am too erratic for focus, too slow for glory and too self-taught for technical mastery.  Not that I mind these things about myself, but they maybe sort of make the knit blogging designation a bit of an overly optimistic statement.
Though I did go out with a guy a few times - a complete knob, it proved -who when he read the blog said "there's an awful lot of wool in it, isn't there?"  And I replied impatiently - yes, well, it's a knit blog [idiot].  (The 'idiot' was implied)

Anyway. 

I've been reading a lot these days - I'm starting to fall in love with the writer's strike.  At first no TV was really weird, kind of left a hole in the evening.  Which was a piece of self-discovery I found very disturbing.  And then I watched old episodes of things to fill in the gaps.  And now, I'm just not turning it on, the tube.   Or not much:  I watch BBC news at 11 sometimes - I find non-American news soothing for its lack of breathless drama and acknowledgment that there is a world outside of this chunk of North America.  Sometimes I catch the Colbert Report and Coupling re-runs on PBS.  The Jane Austen marathon, also on PBS, is fantastic.   
But I'm mostly reading again.

This is a small thing, you may say, but for me it is huge.  I was the original bookworm, ruined my eyes reading under the covers by flashlight, spent the years from 1st grade to 23 or 4 pretty much carrying two books plus a spare in case I finished something out in the world and suffered a terrible word drought that might kill me before I returned to the safety of my book-lined burrow.  But something happened - I worked in book retail for a couple of years and got so tired I stopped reading things that made me think, ever, and focused more on pure escapist literature.  And then I got a job that left me even more tired and involved a bit of editing as well, and I pretty much divided my days between my desk and catatonia, and reading took another hit (this is when I discovered couch TV - the pure numbing power of home improvement shows and similar).   And then my dad died 7 years ago and that finished me: I could not focus on other stories, I could not surrender to narrative.  I couldn't get lost.  I was much too raw to feel the pain, even the imaginary pain, maybe especially the imaginary pain, of others.

Somewhere after that it occurred to me to ask why I was trying to get lost in a book, rather than sucking it dry of inspiration, of education, of guidance.  And I began to read the occasional biography.  A book here and there.  But slowly, and without that joyful surrender I remembered, that time stoppage.  I missed it, but I no longer had the knack.

A few months ago I picked up some kind of escapist literature - a mystery?  A romance?  Which had continued to be the only kind of occasional fiction I could handle - and I couldn't finish it.  Not because I couldn't give in to the story, but because it irritated me with bad logic and poor writing, shallow waters.  After all this time, my critical faculties were stretching, blinking in the light.  I backed away from the crap book and then spent a weekend collecting and organizing the books in my house.  (I have a lot). 

Since then I have carried books with me a little bit like I used to, reading some of them, not all though.  Getting familiar again.  Reading good things.  Gaining momentum, but a weird kind of momentum that involves slowing down and having actual thoughts, actual feelings about what I'm reading.  Taking it inside me and making it part of me.  And I'm finding that I'm accumulating recommendations unconsciously again - a note here, a word there, the list grows.  A giant box from Amazon arrived yesterday and I already finished one of the things inside.  I'm really happy to feel a book in my hands again.   I'm maybe just really happy.

To be me again.  Something about the march of adult life and the shattering force of grief broke this thing I thought was central to my identity and I have missed it so much.  So much.  But it has come back different - tougher and more thoughtful.  Better.

At one point I thought a lot about adding audio books to my day - but it is not the same.  Not bad, but not the same.  You can't trip and hesitate over a phrase, a word, go back and read again and think about it and go on, or skip something with your eyes, catch yourself and step back and wonder what made that paragraph miss for you.  Read it again more slowly.  Audio books do not enhance the silence, audio books are not a break from the onslaught, they don't enter your brain quietly through your hands and eyes.  They can be great - the treadmill for one, is a wonderful place for being read to.  But they are not reading, not for me.

We don't give each other enough time in this word (Update: should be WORLD.  grr.  Although....) Time to be silent, time to formulate thoughts, time to recover, time to grieve.  We can be in such a hurry to get what We NeedNeedNeed that we steamroll over the nuance and delicacy that make our world complex and beautiful.  We can be morons.  Morons with ear buds and a personal soundtrack, morons with 24 hours of streaming video and 200 channels of loud.  What exactly are we trying to drown out?  Our own senses?  Pain?  Other people?

 

Comments

[lanea]

Ah, books. I have a thing for books. You may have noticed. I bet they missed you.

And yes, the audio books are a completely different thing. I love them too (also obvious what with the review website), but they are just plain different. But storytelling is huge for me (also obvious--Lanea may have lost deep for the day) so they matter.

[RobinH]

Oh. I'm a Reader. Always have been- my heart breaks for you that you could have lost it, even for a while. Perhaps I'm lucky to have chosen engineering as a career- I've never had a job that could separate me from books. (There's a book in the bag I take to work, to read at lunch, in case the server goes down and I can't read blogs...hey, it's happened.) It helps that I haven't had cable since 1999. I watch a few things on DVD, but I really don't miss television.

(And Jordi, I so hear you- so many hobbies, so little time.)

[Jessica]

Well said. When my grandmother died nearly 8 years ago I found myself completely unable to concentrate on pretty much anything (kind of a problem when you're in grad school) and took up soap operas (terrible I know). Sometimes you just need noise in your brain to distract you from life, but it's good to get back to not needing that again. Time is an interesting thing.

[Lesley]

I've only just discovered your blog - and I'm so glad I did. I too was a Reader. Over the last couple of years, I've lost my way a bit with reading; too much of other people's pain is just overload on top of your own. But I'm coming around and have just started "Cranford". I'd forgotton how much I love Elizabeth Gaskell.

[Lynn]

Yeah. Exactly. And I don't care if you ever knit again, frankly; I read your blog because you - emphasis on YOU - always write something worth reading. With a little fiber thrown in.

[Nic]

Thank you for this post. I forget that I am not alone, and what you describe is so familiar to me. I haven't really read for the last year, almost hiding from books (which is hard to do in my home). At least I know that it will change and pass with time.

[linda]

normally a total lurker, and reading your blog always. it's interesting, it makes me think, it makes me re-read things, and interpret. don't care about the labels on it, it is sometimes about knitting, and sometimes not.

agree with you on books, i think people who really enjoy books, who always have, just have a very personal relationship with theirs. someone (who reads more than anybody i have ever known) once told me that he creates his own world in the books, he sees it as a movie, to simulate what he reads, his teachers in school thought it was inventive, and it is. butit is also the secret to enjoying books i think.

audio books can be great! it depends on which ones you pick. listened to david mccullough's "john adams" on audio book while knitting on my train commute every morning. it was great to learn something and at the same time keep knitting! harry potter is amazing on audiobooks too, jim dale is an incredible story teller.

quite enjoying not having cable myself, but not doing a whole hell of a lot of knitting yet...

[Dr. Judy]

Life is such a chrysalis.

[Laurie]

Yeah, school about killed my reading habit. I was so joyful to rediscover it. And this year I've rediscovered the library. I think I enjoy it more than buying books. I had forgotten how wonderful the library atmosphere is and how much fun it is to have temporary possession of whatever book I want. And now we can get online and reserve them. That is a lovely way to queue up my reading.

[Jocelyn]

Wow. I could have written this, except that I don't write so well. I, too, was a reader growing up -- I never went anywhere without a book and a backup book, just in case I finished the first book, and I always had to know that there were more books waiting when I finished. I have also always been a re-reader, I think in part because there were only so many books I could afford, and in large part because re-reading a book always felt like visiting a favorite place, with people whom I know well (and who were always so much more predictable than the people I knew in real life!). I used to read anything and everything, with that delicious sense of abandon you describe so well, and then some very hard things happened in my life, and I found that I couldn't face some events in books; they were too real, and I had plenty of reality to face on my own. So I kept reading the fantasy and the mysteries, but stopped reading other things. Now I've found a certain amount of joy in autobiographies, if they're the right sort (I'm reading Julia Child's right now, and loving it), but I find that I'm much pickier about which books I let in these days, and would rather re-read something good, or knit, than read something mediocre. And I'm so glad that you said what you did about audiobooks, because I finally understand why I love listening to some, but have trouble with others -- I have to have read them "for real" first, otherwise, they just feel wrong. Thanks for a very thought-provoking post.

[megan]

A a word of encouragement for you: Don't stop with the wool, it is encouraging and shows your unique taste. I, for one, enjoy it.

Also, I agree with the statement on audio books. Listening is wonderful for sometimes, but books were meant to be read, and the act itself it wonderful.

[Phil Boncer]

Stephanie (snuffywump): Reading does have an endpoint that you can show. Reading builds a better mind. And that's nothing to feel bad about spending your time on; few things are more worthwhile.

The printed word is still by far the best form of human communication. Even the worst writing still takes time and attention to produce. Writing can contain ideas at a depth that no other form can, and allows the reader to absorb it at his own pace, again like no other medium.

Also, the more we learn about animal behavior, the fewer distinctions we have as humans. We learn that various non-human animals have tools, have empathy, have problem-solving skills, have language, have transmissible culture, etc., etc. The human versions of these are generally considerably more complex and higher developed than those of other species, but those are differences in quantity, not in essential quality. As far as I know, just about the only behavior that humans have that other animals do not have at all is literacy.

I have always been an avid reader, of anything and everything I can make time for. There certainly have been phases with regard to specific interests, time available, and other parameters, but I cannot ever recall a time in my life when I didn't feel strong desire to read.

Good writing on your part, by the way. I'm perfectly happy if your blog is only intermittently about knitting, since I'm not really much of a knitter myself, and your thoughts are much more interesting than wool.

PhilB

[anne]

personally, i don't care what kind of blogger you continue to be as long as you continue to blog . . . i love your writing.

[Gina]

Today, for the first time in a long time, I bought a book to read for pleasure. No yoga, no macrobiotics, etc. Just a bit of non-fiction that I plan to enjoy during my train ride to NYC this weekend. Before knitting, I carried a book everywhere. It's nice to come back to the printed page, isn't it?

[Evalyn]

You touched me. I just went through all the same things including loosing my father. I was addicted to anything on TV including RFDTV where they have tractor races. Then I changed jobs and incomes and couldn't afford satelite anymore. So I borrowed movies from the library. But I've gradually re-discovered books. And writing. These days I carry at least one book-in-progress and a spiral notebook with me where ever I go. It was like opening a window and letting fresh air into a stuffy room. I didn't realize how medicated my mind had become until the medicine was gone. I don't know why so many of us dampen our minds with trivial distractions and so very, very much noise. I'm happy to know it has happened to more people than just me, and from the comments to your post, I see it's a growing group.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You may not be a knitting blogger, but you are a thinking person and the world needs you.

[LauraJ]

I send Abby and her sensible son a hug. And Juno, of course -- my problem is I like my blogs about knitting mixed with Other Stuff. I can't swill down as much yarn lust as I used to (possibly because I am trying not to stash as much). Although I am knitting I am not finding it so wildly exciting as to talk about it (I am sneaking embroidery on the side). So I like your mix and you don't have to write about knitting and spinning all the time.

I have a book problem. I love them. Cheap drugs. Infinite possibility. People to hang out with (I miss them when the book is over, but I reread, so it's not quite so heartbreaking...). I do not collect them, I buy the ones I want, or need, or want to need (how many crafts am I prepared to do but will probably never commit to? Stumpwork? Silk painting? God help me, knitted lace???), and if they are mediocre fiction, eventually they leave. If they are noticeably inferior nonfiction they leave...but right now, can I possibly have too many books on embroidered and beaded embellishment? I cannot. And I must have all of Terry Pratchett, and Patrick O'Brian, and it gets hard to find flat surfaces (ooh, a remaindered book by Wayne Winterrowd, he's such a good garden writer!).

I have lately been organizing and trying to purge and find the floor. Amazon Used has a lot to answer for.

[bethini]

It's been a while since I read something online that really, truly moved me and spoke to my own experience. Now I can feel a wave of something moving through me as I reflect on the sadness of Abby's story, the insight of Juno's, and the similiarity with mine. A beautiful post and deeply touching.

[Allyson]

Nice post. I enjoy reading but since I have always been a science geek, I don't feel as though I have the same "lit base" as a lot of other folks. I get stuck in genres for the past three years it has been mostly pulp/noir fiction. I get snobby about popular books that dumb down ideas rather than inspiring people to learn more about a subject. Yeah that's how geeky I am... even fiction can make me do research.

[julia fc]

You and Abby. Man, I've lost it for a minute. Fathers and books.

excuse me. I'll come back.

[--Deb]

I have a harder time choosing the books I want to bring when I go on vacation than I ever do picking out things like clothing. Books are just as important to me now as they ever were and I can't go through a day without reading. It's like an addiction. (Oh, who am I kidding? It IS an addiction.) But as addictions go . . . where's the harm?

I agree with you on audio books, though. They have their uses--my favorite is long car rides--but I find I can only listen to books that I've already READ. That makes them old friends and (this is important) also means I know how the story will turn out, thereby making things like pulling into a parking lot so much easier because I don't feel compelled to sit in my car for the next 20 minutes waiting to find out what happens next!

[JoVE]

So there is no reason to be a knit blogger. Book blogging is good, too. With the occasional knitting side-comment maybe.

[Jennie]

Ah, yes, the return to books. It is like settling in to your grandma's afghan-covered couch. I do love it.

And I agree that audio books are just. not. the same. Some are fantastic, but they are all profoundly different from the experience of reading the book yourself.

My son is now reading a book to himself that I read aloud to him, not that long ago. I am preening.

[Judi]

Ya know? Most of us who stop by here regularly don't do it because you are a knitter, or a reader for that matter. We stop by to hear about Juno. All about her and how she manages her life and her thoughts. many of us can relate to the experiences you write about and to the way you sometimes struggle with what they mean to you. Knitting or not, I hope you keep blogging.

[Carmen]

...drowning out the fear of living???....

[jane]

Oh my-I could just SEE you with your books and your backup spare. That was me to a T. I always had at least 4. I still travel with 3(one in carry on, 2 in suitcase). Books were my refuge and my escape-we moved alot and my home was seriously dysfunctional. I had to read for college, intensively, and then graduate school. I found myself doing the same-reading(because I HAD to-this compulsion) things that were not horrible but not demanding much of me. I have made a comeback, although not completely-I tend to want to rush as there is so much to do. Your time comment was simply brilliant-I am putting it on my computer.