oh my goodness.

Where to start, where to start.  I missed the blog.  But I've not been able to spare any kind of energy for things that require thinking.  Or energy.

I'm at my mom's house.  Most of the end of February and the beginning of March I was working to get my work and life in order to come out here, because Mom had back surgery in mid Feb and the plan was for me to come out about three weeks after to spring her from the rehab hospital and help her get her routines organized as she got more mobile. 

Problem the first is that her insurer would not approve her for a rehab hospital only a nursing home - which while it was staffed by very kind people was not really set up for the kind of wound care she needed, nor the kind of rehab she needs to rebuild muscle atrophied during the years of impaired mobility the surgery is intended to correct.  She was uncomfortable, and frustrated.  But ok, we work with the options available and set up out patient rehab for later and etc, etc. 

When I arrived to bust her out, she had developed a staph infection.  So from there, back to the hospital to have it drained - two further surgeries and what looks like 6 weeks more of IV antibiotics and so for two weeks I've been driving around visiting her and doing what I can to make things better and just giving her a hand to hold when she needed one.   I don't think she was ever in capital T trouble - no one at the hospital has ever given me the sad eyes - but she certainly hasn't been in good shape.  Its been an interesting time in our relationship.

I struggle with my mom - all our tastes and many of our values are different and I am still learning how to consciously discard the assumptions I've picked up from her over the years and we chafe at each other.  This time she was just so broken that I responded to her from a different place.   It has been not so bad to not be full of rage all the time around her, rage or the conscious decision to let things go.

Anyway.  She's getting better and has color in her face and started demanding tweezers yesterday and I actually wanted to kill her once, so things are looking a bit more cheerful and now we have to sort out after care and get her home.  And then I can collapse maybe because I am tired like I have never experienced tired before.

And then I can go home.  And knit.  Well really, I have been knitting a bit.  I even spun.  But I need to figure out how to disinfect silk from prolonged contact with hospital air and then take a picture.

I miss my cat.

Comments

[sil]

Oh my, all that does indeed suck. I'm glad your mom is on the mend and you have are able to think about getting back to your life and kitty. Good and positive energy heading your way.

[Gina]

Oh how terrible. My best wishes for your mother to recover fully and quickly.

[Lucia]

Tough stuff. I'm thinking of you.

[Manise]

Many hugs to you. Sorry you're going through this and hope it all ends well (in a speedier recovery) soon for both of you. It's hard taking on the parenting role. Been there, done that in my own home. I'm sure your kitty misses you too.

[D.]

My sympathies. I too have been taking care of sick parents. It's been 20 years for my dad. It's tough many times but I tell myself if I can't get along with parents, friends, people in the street, other drivers, what hope do we have for world peace? Every time I see some one being petty and showing anger, disrespect etc. I understand how the world has the problems it has with eye for an eye violence, and power struggles.

It's also helped me to think that things could be worse I could be that other person.

That said I have to tell you the first thing my mom said to me when she came out of her drug induced haze. " You look like you put on weight" World peace! World peace!

[leanne]

My mother is Capital O old, and damn.. i might be getting that way too. she STILL drives me insane. I did the surgery, rehab thing with her, and things got a little 'normal' there for a while. well, didn't she recover and become exactly who she was all along.

phew. glad to see you. it was very beige while you were gone.

[Charlene]

Ah, Juno, my sympathies. I was a little concerned at your absence and wondered. The mother-daughter thing is mysterious, isn't it? I used to be very close to my mother, but since my father's illness I (along with my brothers) find her too cloyingly, intensely clingy, which chases me off, and then I look at my daughter and wonder if I'll evoke the same fight-or-flight (flight in this case) response in her.

[Jessica]

Yikes! Sounds like things definitely did not go according to plan. I do hope your Mom heals quickly from here on out and you can get back home to your kitty!

[AMJ]

I really really sympathize. My mother has been in and out of the hospital since her heart attack December 5th of last year. She has mostly been with me at my house since then. Also a difficult relationship. My brothers are grateful I haven't thrown her down the stairs yet. (Yet being the operative term) Email me if you need a good long vent. Best of luck to you.

[Suzanne]

Dear Juno,

I'm a long time lurker and a friend of your friend Cassandra's in Brooklyn. As I am sure was the case with many, many of your readers in their 40's and up, I was greatly touched by your post about your mother, the insurance hassles, the lack of information, and your ambivalence. Congratulations!! You soldiered on admirably!! And your mother is lucky she has you!
If this persists, you might get on your computer and find not-for-profit groups in your state or your mother's state that (1) advise families on care and finances of elderly relatives so you can get immediate advice on problems like the insurance denial (sometimes those can be overcome by appeal or other routes), care and financial options and (2) offer the support of others in your situation through in person group meetings or on line. I was a nursing home attorney for many years and the New York organizations we recommend to families have been invaluable for everything from a quick piece of advice to long term, deep involvement and support. My best wishes to you as you carry on, Suzanne

[Kat with a K]

Thanks for checking in. I hope her recovery continues to progress as hoped. Hang in there!

[sarah]

Mothers and daughters. Strong characters who raise strong characters. I can't say I feel your pain, but I know what mine would feel like in that situation. An afternoon in the company of my mother leaves me feeling as if I've walked 20 miles, but it's an unpleasant exhaustion because it's my conscience and my emotional control that are so tired. And my cerebellum aches from trying to work out where, how, why, what went so very wrong because surely I should have *loved* my mother.

[Lizbon]

Oh golly. Well, I'm glad to hear from you, and I'm glad it wasn't "capital T," but oy, that doesn't sound fun for either of you.

[Marin]

Word to your mother, take care of yourself, a little witch hazel in a sink of water will disinfect your silk and (despite popular mythology) your cat misses you too.

As do I.

[elisa]

Ah, love, if I had known that you'd been that close to me for so long, I would have tried to get out to visit you, to lend you some support, or at least to take you out once in a while for very stiff cocktails.

I'm glad your mom is on the mend, and that things seem to be regaining their natural order.

Love you.

[julia fc]

yeah. I am sure a lap warmed by a dependent kitty would go a long way right about now. Virtual hugs anyway.

[Helen]

Good to see you back. Can't really add anything else to what everyone has said, but the best to you and yours, and hospital cooties? I *so* know what you mean. I want to disinfect my entire person, all my belongings that went in there AND the car I drove home after I've been in there. Ick. SickPeopleGerms, especially in the NHS where cleaning is like, NOT a priority it would appear.

[Diane]

Hang in there, mom/daughter relationships can be pretty stressful sometimes. Besides drafting her PCP to help with insurance matters, you might want to see if there's a social worker at the hospital or nursing home. The dept. I worked in at a local hospital last summer had this fabulous social worker who could literally work wonders with such things.

[Phil Boncer]

I'm glad you're back; I was beginning to wonder.

Good luck with your mother. Keep a close eye on the staph and make *sure* she completes her antibiotics. Many of those infections are resistant to antibiotics in the first place, and if you stop too soon and have left only the ones which are *most* resistant to re-establish, you can wind up with real trouble.

My best wishes to you both.

PhilB

[Sarahfish]

Sorry to hear about your mum. Rehab is never any fun, neither for the "patient" nor their family. I hope you guys can come to terms with one another in this new context. Glad to hear that you wanted to kill her! I mean that in the best way, of course. lol

Take care of yourself too... :)

[Rose]

So glad things are improving. I checked on your blog often and am glad you're back. Best of luck with your mom.

[Dr. Steph]

You're a good daughter and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Mother/Daughter stuff can be hard, especially when the roles change.

All the best to you both.

[Carmen]

We MISSED you!

[JoVE]

"I actually wanted to kill her once, so things are looking a bit more cheerful" LOL. I can so relate. I'm glad that going and helping is actually working out. And the staph infection sounds awful but good that it isn't big T trouble. Hope you get the right after-care and rehab sorted out.

[Kim U]

Good thoughts and well wishes for your mom and for you too.