oh my goodness.

Where to start, where to start.  I missed the blog.  But I've not been able to spare any kind of energy for things that require thinking.  Or energy.

I'm at my mom's house.  Most of the end of February and the beginning of March I was working to get my work and life in order to come out here, because Mom had back surgery in mid Feb and the plan was for me to come out about three weeks after to spring her from the rehab hospital and help her get her routines organized as she got more mobile. 

Problem the first is that her insurer would not approve her for a rehab hospital only a nursing home - which while it was staffed by very kind people was not really set up for the kind of wound care she needed, nor the kind of rehab she needs to rebuild muscle atrophied during the years of impaired mobility the surgery is intended to correct.  She was uncomfortable, and frustrated.  But ok, we work with the options available and set up out patient rehab for later and etc, etc. 

When I arrived to bust her out, she had developed a staph infection.  So from there, back to the hospital to have it drained - two further surgeries and what looks like 6 weeks more of IV antibiotics and so for two weeks I've been driving around visiting her and doing what I can to make things better and just giving her a hand to hold when she needed one.   I don't think she was ever in capital T trouble - no one at the hospital has ever given me the sad eyes - but she certainly hasn't been in good shape.  Its been an interesting time in our relationship.

I struggle with my mom - all our tastes and many of our values are different and I am still learning how to consciously discard the assumptions I've picked up from her over the years and we chafe at each other.  This time she was just so broken that I responded to her from a different place.   It has been not so bad to not be full of rage all the time around her, rage or the conscious decision to let things go.

Anyway.  She's getting better and has color in her face and started demanding tweezers yesterday and I actually wanted to kill her once, so things are looking a bit more cheerful and now we have to sort out after care and get her home.  And then I can collapse maybe because I am tired like I have never experienced tired before.

And then I can go home.  And knit.  Well really, I have been knitting a bit.  I even spun.  But I need to figure out how to disinfect silk from prolonged contact with hospital air and then take a picture.

I miss my cat.

Comments

[Kim U]

Good thoughts and well wishes for your mom and for you too.

[ellen]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I guess it comes to everyone if they are fortunate enough that their parents survive. My mother and I are comfortable enough when she's needed help; she and my sister not so much. That siad, an experience like this will change your relationship a bit forever, and I hope it will be better for both of you.

[Gwen]

Glad you all are making it. It's very hard taking care of family.

As for the silk - wash it like you normally do, and put it out in the sun for a day or two. So the colours fade a bit- but that should take care of the hospital cooties. And it will smell really nice.

[Jocelyn]

That's just scary, all of it. Parental care is very hard, indeed; I'm not looking forward to having to negotiate the same thing with mine when the time comes (for us it's mostly been grandparents, which is hard enough!). And I totally sympathize with the back surgery pain and the post-operative infections, having gone through that a year and a half ago (back surgery flat-out sucks, in my experience, and so do hospitals). I hope you are both doing better soon, and that you get some quality time with your cat and yourself and your knitting. Hang in there :)

[PICAdrienne]

Eleven years ago my Mother was in a car accident, ended up with a few crushed vertebrea. We went through the role reversal thing. When she was in the ER totally drugged up on morphine, she looked at me and told me I had to talk to the Doctor, because she was not capable of understanding what he said. It was really scary.

The incident was bonding for us, in the long run. I think for her, the worst part was not being able to actually cuddle her newborn grandson, because she was in a brace for his newborn stage. My son was born 15 days after the accident, so it is easy to remember exactly when it happened.

You will make it through, as challenging as it is to care for a parent, it is a learning and healing process for both.

[Judy G.]

My mother and I get along really well, but there are other family members with whom I enjoy a more distant relationship. (All on my husband's side. Hmmmm.) I hope your mother gets settled so you can get back to your chosen life. I've missed your posts.

[Mome-rath]

You sound strong as ever—I hope you realize your own talents there. And as usual, your thoughts make me reflect on similarities in my own life. Recent family drama regarding my grandfather, the nursing home, and my mother's adamant refusal to touch the whole thing with a ten-foot pole makes me think: does she realize that history tends to repeat itself? My relationship with her is difficult, as well (is that a common thing with mothers and daughters? Especially educated daughters?), and your post made me wonder how I'll handle it when it's my turn to face this sort of thing. My mother isn't handling it well in her own life—your words give me hope that I might do a little better. They give me proof that at least it's *possible,* that someone somewhere is doing it well. Get back to your knitting and your cat as soon as you can, and recharge. You deserve it.

[Tsock Tsarina]

Also? dammitall, I *do* actually know how to spell "whatever."

[Tsock Tsarina]

Very glad indeed to see you back. I don't have any answers to the big stuff, except what ever generic level of sympathy is acceptable - we've all been there done that, I suspect, in one form or another, and it's hard, and it comes with the territory, and what can you say about life except that it's life? and humanity ditto.

I *do*, however, have the answer to decontaminating your silk, and I'm sending it to you.

[Lene]

Yeah, I hear you.

Glad that things are getting back to normal. Definitely nice to see the blog again.

[Beth S.]

"and I actually wanted to kill her once"--yes, she must definitely be on the mend! Good. :-)

I'll keep you in my thoughts. I hope everything gets sorted out soon.

[Laurie]

The reversal of roles is uncomfortable. It just never seems right.

[Ruth]

How utterly exhausting! I suspect I will have to make the same sort of journey with my father one of these days - it is heartening to know it is possible even without a fairy-tale "meeting of minds". I do wish you an expedient return to peace and normlacy.

[elizabeth]

You're right - she's on the mend if she's getting ornery! I hope you get some rest soon and I bet your cat misses you too!

[seizuresalad]

Take care Juno, I know how hard it can be. The possiblility exists for the shifting of some of that history/those assumptions that are stored away though, the result can be really wonderful.

[anne]

wow, that's a lot to take on; i hope the voyage is smoother from here, and you can leave her in good shape to come home.

[claudia]

I wish for you less interesting times.

[Kate]

I take care of both my parents (20 min away) and yes,the role reversal is odd and awkward and the emotional components are forced and unclear. I'm sorry you are going through this... A word of advice? PCPs go a long way with insurance matters--- sometimes just them writing a Rx for rehab is enough (2 bouts of cancer, 1 congestive heart failure/emphysema--- you learn your way around the insurance crap).

[mamacate]

Wow. I'm so sorry about what your mom has been through. It sounds like you're living in interesting times. I'll be thinking about the both of you, and hoping for peace and cat-time in your near future.

[Phiala]

Yikes! Best to you, and to your mother as well.

[Krista M]

I totally feel you. When my mom slipped on ice and broke her leg in two places I was so scared, then this instinct of protection just took over. I called her at the hospital and when I heard her so hopped up on painkillers and sounding so, well, weird, I had to be there with her, no matter what.

Hope she feels better soon, and I am glad you had a chance to feel something so new for your mother.

[jenn]

And we miss you. Bt we'll see you soon, love.

You just worry about getting your mom what she needs and know that we're here to talk whenever you need it.

[Kirstie]

I know exactly what you mean. When I was helping my mum get through cancer and treatments, I was calling her every single day and driving down to visit every couple of weeks - something that otherwise would have driven me up the wall in no time flat. Our relationship is definitely better than it was before she was sick. Doesn't stop the desire to kill every now and then, though.

Good luck with everything - I hope she continues to improve!

[Sarah]

Mom's are like that..I have a similar relationship with mine. Sounds like she's on the mend though. Welcome back!

[Bullwinkle]

The lurkers miss you too ;)

Sorry to hear all the troubles. May you both heal soon.

I was about to suggest sunshine as a disinfectant, but then remembered it is silk. How thick are we talking? I have sucessfully washed and dried silk, without fading, under a sheet (to protect from sun rays.)