Base Notes

When I was a wee lass I went to boarding school.  I think it was the first time I became aware of stuff as desirable in a way that related to other people.  Not that I never wanted anything prior to sleep away school: I liked shiny things as much as anyone - makeup and I were old friends,  I liked pretty clothes and blown-glass horses standing on a sunlit shelf.  What book bag one carried was socially significant.  Hell, I got up and curled my hair before school every day, something I have a great deal of trouble believing now, and yet, I remember it.  I know I did it.  There were trendy girls and not, and I knew I was Not.  But I don't think I had yet had a moment where I looked at someone else's stuff and coveted it, pined for it.   Mostly, if I had enough to read I was happy, though envious of the more petite and socially graceful.

But in boarding school there were girls with money, girls who brought their own rugs to the dorm, girls who had more shoes than I had novels, girls who liked New Wave, girls with Good Jewelry, girls wearing those Guatemalan woven hooded shirts with the pouch in the front, girls who collected vintage dresses.  It was a word of stuff such as I had never imagined.  Some of it was healthy - choosing things to represent who you are and want to be is normal I think - and some of it was money substituted for love or peace (and it was still a lot more innocent than the mass marketed consumerism we live with today).  It was a world before aspartame.  A world before the internet and all the acquisitive impulses that has fertilized.

The first day I was there I fell in love with "American Pie"* as well as with the idea that you could hear of a song and track it down and listen to it - oh, this world before iTunes, where you had to look for old vinyl if you wanted it.  And it wasn't long before I had a poster of Adam Ant, another by Robert Doisneau, a crush on Simon Le Bon, the beginnings of a fine collection of dangling earrings (come to think of it, I had those when I got there), a new opinion of the clothes my mother bought for me and a collage of words and images cut out of magazines hanging on my wall. 

One of the things that lots of girls had that I had never considered for myself was perfume - my mother had perfume she rarely wore and yet cherished, my grandmother traveled in a terrible cloud of Opium.  This was grown up stuff.  Not for me.  But the little bottles fascinated, the tiny samples of fantasy you could send away for.  I ordered Tatiana - something about the shape of the bottle, the description spoke to me and I waited for it and adored it except that I hated the way it smelled.  Hated it.  There was another, something with roses, that provoked the same loathing.

It was a lesson that took some time to assimilate, that affectation is useless, that you can't wear it or be it if it isn't you.  Scent is visceral.

Somewhere along the way I fell hard for Obsession and wore it it a toxic 80s cloud through college, alternately with Fendi and Chanel 22 and one or two others I think I owned for the bottle rather than the smell.  The imagery of perfume advertising captured me far more than fashion did, this idea of bottled identity, projected personality, applied confidence, the way perfume allowed boys and girls to bridge the gap between each other, an excuse to move closer, a catalyst for the profound intimacy of breathing someone in, the way scent changes with time and sweat to define evenings, moments, memories.  There was a boy in college I loved.  We kissed once and the whole evening is scent-colored in my head, tied together with vanilla and amber and terror and hope and desert air.  I think that might have been the beginning of the end of Obsession, that and I swear they changed the formula along the way.  Much sweeter now, almost intolerably so.

Later I wore Fracas - which was worn in a book and I fell in love with it and found it and adored it for real, then Agent Provocateur.....then nothing for most of my 30s, except on special occasions.   I tried clean scents, green teas and grapefruits, daytime scents, but they didn't stick.  Mostly they smell like the detergent aisle at the supermarket to me, scent afraid to be a smell.  They have no dirt in them, no life.  I like dirt.  Eventually I got rid of the old bottles - keeping just Fracas, Agent Provocateur which I still loved, and an old bottle of Obsession I never touch but still smile when I see.

Perfume was a branding idea in someways, a projection of what I wanted to be but was not quite yet and around the time I started therapy I think I stopped trying to project something - sexy! mature! confident! clean! professional! - and started trying to be it instead.  Whatever it was going to turn out to be.  I stopped wearing makeup regularly at the same time, and took up exercise instead, and casual clothing.  I went inside my head, not to hide, but to do a little work.  How could I assume an identity when I was actively trying to map my own?

I've come to miss it though, the enhancement of image, the mood interaction, the fantasy, the engagement of the senses.  I have a much better idea of who I am now and it occurred to me recently that I want that again.  Lipstick.  Dresses.  To enjoy the scent rising off my own skin.   It's a flirtatious impulse obviously, but not just in a sexual sense.  I have this desire to engage with the world more, to meet people's eyes, to talk to them, to hear them, to have my shutters open.   To have gravity on my personal planet.

Which led to my falling down the rabbit hole into Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs.   Some of you are probably familiar with them - the gothic perfumer.  They have perfume oils with literary antecedents and florid atmosphere, fantastic descriptions and complicated associations.  And they sell samples of most of their scents.  Perfect for the mild obsessive on a personal quest.

It's a site that demands a certain amount of surrender to the inside of the creator's mind, and it overwhelmed me for a long while.  Couldn't give in.  I would try to pick out six to try and get confused by what was sample-able and what wasn't.  How everything interacted.  How to find something when I wanted it.  So I would click away.   But a few months ago, I wasn't overwhelmed, I was enthralled.    I ordered a bit of this and a bit of that and was charmed to my toes by the story each perfume was crafted to represent.  It is brilliant, almost performance art.  Is this my story?  Do I only think so until the reality of a scent hits my system?  What do I like?  Why? What am I surprised to like or hate?

 

I've been trying one or two every day - depending on how I like it or how long it lasts.  I have dozens and dozens.  I'm going to have elimination rounds.  I'm on a mission.  I'm having so much fun. 

 

* While I was looking this up to add the link and reading about how Killing Me Softly was an inspired by American Pie, Killing me Softly came on the radio.  Literally as I read the words. How spooky is that?

Comments

[Kim]

Wonderful post. I had that same Doisneau poster in my room during college. My first perfume was Love's Baby Soft & Love's Fresh Lemon in 6th grade. Then I moved to Patchouli essential oil in high school (my dad said I smelled like a dirty hippy). Then after college it was the Body Shop's Vanilla perfume oil.
Now, in my 40s, I still like to wear scent that smells like food (L'Occitane Lemon Verbena or Donna Karan, Beach). I also like a balsam pine or rosemary essential oil.

[mindy]

Absinthe. Follow Me. Wolfsbane. Cathode. Blood.

Yup, I've been addicted to this site for a while.

I've got a drawerful of Imps, and doubt that I'll ever 'graduate' to the fullsize bottles. And the forums are great fun, too.

[Laurie]

Wonderful imagery washing over my olfactory memories, and limbic sensations. Evocative, sensual writing.

Jean Nate'. Mom. Not much for me...Agraria bitter orange. (Isn't that a hoot of a preference for the blue girl?)

[Carrie]

My mother had perfume but saved it for "good". I wore a little occasionally in college (white diamonds, which I think was too heavy for a college kid in retrospect). My boyfriend once gave me a bottle of White Musk from the Body Shop. I loved it instantly. It's the only thing I still have from that relationship. (Well, that and the knowledge of how I WON'T be treated in the future, but that's a different thing altogether.) My son likes to play with my stuff while I'm putting makeup on in the morning, and he got me started wearing it again. (There's something about a toddler holding your perfume and demanding, "SMELL IT." that gets your attention.)

[elizabeth]

There are two bottles of perfume on my dresser, both purchased in Paris. The Diptyque L'Ombre dans L'Eau (my favorite) is worn rarely and I've promised myself that when the bottle is gone, I have to return to Paris for another. I wear it when I'm feeling particularly willful - in denial of the weak dollar and improbability of travel. I like to pretend that as soon as I press that last squirt, I can book a flight.

[Wryly]

The other day I opened a drawer and got a waft of my mother's cologne. Of all her colognes all I have left is a little spray bottle with some long forgotten scent. Chances are it is something from Avon.
I've worn the same cologne since high school - Candid from Avon. I've tried a few others - something by Gucci. I've just bought something from Burberry that is ok.
However - due to a co-workers allergies I rarely wear colognes now.

[Anne]

Thanks for the trip down memory lane! I have memories of taking WELL over an hour to do my hair and makeup and coordinate my outfit, breakfast be damned! But the memories are as if watching a character on TV...could it really have been me? My scent of choice was Herb Alpert's Listen. Really.

I may be placing an order...

[nipper jenn]

Everytime you talk about these perfumes you renew the mystique. I want to try them, but never get around to ordering a sampler. Maybe today I'll actually break down and get some.

[lanea]

Most commercial perfumes these days make me want to stuff my nose with cotton. And possibly immolate whole buildings. I am devoted to just the right sandalwood (yes, hippie-smell, I know I know) and some very green scents, but most things I like are very basic natural scents. I;d be interested to smell some of their stuff--I'll check them out.

[Riin]

I never really did get into perfume, though I used to wear an appalling amount of makeup when I was into punk/new wave, which is hard to believe now, since I haven't worn any makeup at all for the last 20 years. But who am I kidding, I'm still into punk/new wave. I'd rather listen to that than anything else. Adam Ant? Oh yes. Mm mmm, I loves me some Adam Ant.

[Liz Cadorette]

OhOhOhOh, you have just posted about my most favorite indie vendor to evangelize for/about. Although Elizabeth gets put into the "goth perfumer" niche because that aesthetic is how she markets, really the scents are multitudinous and varied, and I hope everyone who doesn't want to smell like the scent counter at a department store will try.

My mother wore Molinard de Molinard when I was a child, and recently I tried an "imp" -- BPAL's word for those sample sizes -- of their "Pele" scent, sent to me as a freebie in one of my regular orders. My body chemistry combined with whatever is inside that scent have made me smell very much as I remember my mother smelled as she prepared to go out for an evening. Gut-wrenching and yet also so very lovely.

THANK YOU for this post and for mentioning BPAL! For those reading considering trying the company, I hope you'll try them. You absolutely cannot beat their pricing for the products -- it's 100 percent perfume oil, no alcohol or carrier oils, . If you tried to get Obsession or another department store perfume in 100 percent oil form, it would cost you hundreds of dollars an ounce. (and no, I am not affiliated with BPAL in any way, just a satisfied customer who totally adores them.)

[claudia]

Funny that you mention this. I've been perfume-less for a long time. But just this week Sil and went into a new Nordstrom's up the street and I tried a few Jo Malone scents. Yesterday I wore my sample of Lime/Basil/Mandarin and quite liked it.

[Adrienne]

For me, it was John Taylor. Still is, come to think of it.

Can't abide by most perfumes simply because most make my head hurt. I still flirt with those Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs scents, however. I can't wait to see which ones you enjoy. And if you need a secondary tester, I'd love to volunteer for the job...

[Em]

What a great post! Thank you for sharing your memories (and they do say that scent is the most powerful memory-trigger.)

I have been exploring the secret passageways of Black Phoenix for a while now, but have yet to order. I think that I've been afraid to get "the wrong one", but your approach of experimentation and discovery sounds like such a great way to go about it all. I think I'll go get some samples, now...

[Daniele]

Very well said. You brought back memories of the perfumes I used to wear as well. I have bottles with just tiny bits in the bottom that I smell just to remember events that happened in the past. I am definitely into the no perfume, no make-up phase now, but, one never knows what comes next! Thanks for sharing Juno. Daniele

[mary lou]

Sometimes, I go to the perfume counter at Macy's and put some Chanel No. 5 on my wrist. My mother died when I was young, and that was her perfume. Just taking a few whiffs of it brings back so many memories. Thanks for this excellent post.

[Michelle]

This is a brilliant articulation of how scent informs/is informed by identity (sorry--went into academic mode just there) and that just may have pushed me over the edge into trying BPAL. At some point. Once my visceral reaction to "Guatemalan woven hooded shirts" passes. I didn't go to boarding school, but I know those girls.

[Amanda]

Ah, the memory of a teeny, tiny bottle of L'air du Temps, a perfume that my mom had (but I don't know if she actually wore). I LOVED that bottle, coveted it because of its seeming delicacy and the two white frosted doves on top, wings half open as if welcoming each other in.

I have yet to indulge in Black Phoenix, even though I've spent much time on their site enjoying the backstory of so many scents. Now that I know there are samplers to be purchased, I'm going to have to treat myself. My favorite right now, besides some orange stuff I bought one time at Bath & Body works (some weird stuff from a convent in France or something) is Angel by Thierry Mugler - something about it makes me want to eat it!

[Kathy in San Jose]

You've brought back some wonderful memories of some of the scents I used to wear. My favorite though, was a small bottle of custom blended perfume from Mlle. Antoinette's Parfumerie which used to be in Disneyland's New Orleans Square. They are no longer there, unfortunately, and I'm hoarding what little is left in the 20+ year-old bottle.

Thanks for the link to Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs; I'll have to check them out.

[Lizbon]

What a wonderful, wonderful post. The story, the current thoughts that tie back to it, the exploration of those dozens of samples. The whole damn thing. Love it. And honored to be the first to say so.