Trout for thought*

Sheep & Goats at large, I am frightened.  I know I am not alone, but the fear is so large now it is sort of preventing me from talking about anything else.  Have to say it aloud to start maneuvering around it.  So here I go: I am scared to death of what comes next.

I was going to tell you a funny story about the cat, but well.....that would be a kind of bullshit, yes? (It was a good story though)

Business is bad.  We've had three of the worst months ever - a term I keep having to redefine - in the last 8 months.  Our single biggest customer hasn't made a substantial order from us in a year.  Yesterday I cut people's hours 20% and my own salary for the second time. 

Today I have to rewrite my personal budget and decide if I can still afford to fund 100% of the healthcare coverage I offer the people who work for me.

Some of this is not my fault - the lack of liquidity in the marketplace is a far more effective illustration of trickle down theory than actual trickle down economics ever proved to be.
But the most paralyzing thing about what's happening is that some of it is my fault and that is not something I need to make any more excuses about.  I don't mean that in a self-immolating way, but yesterday I was hit in the face with the wet trout of truth.

I have been reading The Fluent Self on and off since JoVE first mentioned it and I find it a weird combination of compelling and repellent, in the way of things that have a message you do not want to hear.  I have been talking about feeling stuck for months.  Years really.  And the Fluent Self is about destuckification.  Terrifying. 
So I read and then avoid, read and avoid.  Yesterday, I read "It's Not the Economy" and this I cannot avoid, this is the wet trout between the eyes. 

Read it, I'll wait.

I have this love/hate relationship with my business - love the independence, really not  interested in the product.  Hate the responsibility, love the flexibility.   Wish someone else was holding me accountable, can no longer imagine working for any one else.  Unable to visualize how to transform it into something that is weighted more to the plus than the minus. Stuck.  Much rather think about yarn and perfume and books and love and friends and sex and cooking and the cat and family and ......

What I am living is more than duty and less than commitment, a fucked up middle ground that has bred a kind of panicked paralysis where I can come up with 1000 reasons why changing it for the better is impossibly out of reach and then sit there for another six months screwing around on the internet and seeing it get that much more out of hand.

I think I have been waiting for the universe to make the decision for me. 
My therapist often reminds me that silence is not empty and now I need to add the correlary that inaction is a choice.

I had this revelation yesterday as I read up on marketing consultants: everything I respond to in the material I am reading is aimed at people in creative fields - people selling their ideas and their work rather than goods.  I am not a creative person, but I do not need to be an artist to work in a field with more congenial values.  I need a new career.  But instead of letting this one implode and losing years to self-loathing, maybe I can transform it so I am not hanging my employees out to dry, so I can close or sell or grow it so it gives me more options, not fewer.

(Message to the universe:  I am looking (actually, actively, looking as opposed to hoping vaguely one falls from the sky into my parking lot) for a non-sleazy marketing consultant/business consultant with a perspective that straddles both my industry and my personality. 

And as long as you are looking into stuff, Universe, a yoga teacher. The right kind.  kthxbye)

*title belongs to the goddess Claudia

Comments

[ellen]

Thanks for the link - I'm a bit stuck myself.

I've been where you are. It's so hard when things are not going well and everyone looks to you for leadership, not to mention their living. You're right to be looking it in the eye.

[lanea]

Yeah, like everyone is saying, you are creative. Clearly.

Best of luck picking a new career path. I came upon career #2 sort of accidentally, and I like it better than career #1. I'm inching towards #3 and I love knowing that I can keep changing as long as I'm smart about how I do it.

I really appreciate the fact that you are being careful about things for your employees--that is very good.

[Mardel]

Oh dear, that could be me. I followed your link, it could be me. Luckily I don't have employees depending on me now, but I have in the past, and have been stuck in the same way, and am again. This is a vicious circle. Thanks for pointing me out of it.

You seem very creative in your words on your blog. You seem creative in your life, especially in that you seem to actually think, and care, and question. These are valuable commodities.

[StellaMM]

You could be talking about someone who lives in my house.

[Kit]

Are TOO a creative person. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you make this transition. I'm making one too. We shall both come out the other side in good shape given some time.

[mel]

Ouch. It's pretty courageous just to be able to acknowledge this & look it in the face (or yourself in your face, whatever, you know what I mean. Words are not coming easily today). If you can do that piece... I think a lot of us never get there, is all I'm saying.

And, Thanks. For your openness, great writing, and providing the best links... which generally seem to be very timely - the fluentself was perfect this week for me too for different reasons. Happy weekend & best of luck - I'm looking for the right yoga teacher too - if you find one, maybe s/he can commute to NC once in awhile ;)

[Lynn]

I'm still thinking about this, a) because you matter, and b) because I like to make things work better, so to speak. And here's what may be a hard truth: If you don't really, really want to be in this business, you're not going to want to think up and implement the kind of changes that may need doing. There is nothing wrong with that; it's the way it is. It does not mean you're a "bad person." If you had never come into this business, what would you be doing? What would all your employees be doing? and so many other such questions....

I hope I run into you in reality sometime soon; I'd be happy to talk and listen, if that would prove useful or even just cathartic.

[annie]

i once fell into a square hole, and there i stayed for a few decades. first i got a little depressed, and took some stress leave. then my son was stillborn. after that i had a bout with cancer.

one day i woke up and asked myself what the fuck .. what, exactly, the fuck was i doing to myself?

i decided that nothing could be as bad as what i'd already created, so i got the heck out of that square hole and made some crazy changes. i tried stuff. i feel.. authentic.

i hope you get to that place before it costs you too much to stay where you are. you have something too special to name, and i can't even wrap my head around what would happen if you expanded into that.

i can hardly wait to see where you decide to land.

[Ingrid]

Thank-you for this post! I am a business proprietor, and get anxious about competition and spending money, and whether the business will continue to grow, and I needed to be reminded to try stuff. Good luck with your business (whatever it may be).

[bethini]

Good luck. (It's not much to offer, but it's all I got.)

[Laurie]

Doubt you can fund 100% health care. Fewer and fewer are doing it. Choice of job vs full health care funding? Easy. Give me the job. Hope the consultants can shed some light for you.

[Cheryl]

This is really a terrifying time to be in manufacturing in the United States. I have had a few hard months too, but looking at my schedule boards it is very clear that the worst is yet to come. I anticipate (at least) six really tough months ahead. I started about a year ago changing the way I market the company and the way I recruit new customers, and I've had some success and some failure. Yesterday afternoon my very biggest customer broke the news that they have to pull about half the parts we make and send them to China. That I can't compete with, because I pay my machinists a living wage, and I pay 100 percent health care, and give them vacations, and carry unemployment and disability insurance, and all those expensive things that Chinese manufacturing companies don't provide. So it's back to the drawing board for now, to try and drum up that much more business.

[Ellen]

I am a marketing consultant (and I have a day job in healthcare marketing) but more competent in some fields than others. You can email me and tell me more.

[Nell]

Good for you for really putting it out there. It's tough to want change when staying where you are is so much easier. Easy isn't fulfilling though. Bravo for taking the first step to a much better life!

[caroline]

Have I told you lately that I love you? No??? Well, I LOVE YOU...that is one of the best, timeliest, flat out trout out in the face posts I've ever read. Yours AND hers. thank you so much for showing up, here and for your peeps most especially when you don't much feel like doing so. It makes a huge difference in our lives. so what will you tweak for your own greater fulfillment?

[Anne]

I've been thinking about you... We're being encouraged to be passionate and think of the opportunities for growth. But I don't have to steer the boat, just row harder. Good luck.

[claudia]

That's what I call a good start, calling out the problem. Now tha its Named it can be Solved.

[Lynn in Tucson]

Thanks for the link. It's what I (and some coworkers) need to hear.

You have taken the first step toward getting what you want/need by letting the Universe know what you're looking for.

Change will come. (That's the only constant there is!)

[Jocelyn]

Oy. Not the best place to be, but maybe a step towards unstuckness? Everyone's already said it, but a) you strike me as being plenty creative, although I'm guessing you mean in the sense of having a career based on it?, and b) thank goodness for people like you who do care about their employees. Having worked for those who do and for those who don't, I can tell you whom I'd choose 100% of the time (of course, guess what kind I work for now?; I have one word for you: "administration"). Hang in there...

[cari]

Ah, those damn Trouts for Thought. We're looking into stretching ourselves in similar ways in our family, thinking beyond how many hours a week we can make Billy treat patients. Ways to earn money apart from the working stiff model. It feels icky. Scary. Awful. But here we go...

And you're not a creative person? Are you fucking kidding me? I hope you only meant that you are not employed in a creative field.

[Yvonne]

I -- I. I thought I maybe had something meaningful to contribute, and I'm not sure I do. Perhaps it's just to vent to someone who's a business owner who actually cares for their employees, because my business owner may care, but if he does, it doesn't show. We pay for 45% of our health care. We've had our hours cut, and there is no overtime allowed (scratch that...there is no overtime allowed in certain departments or for certain people. If you're a pet, then you may earn up to 8 hours of overtime per week. Obviously I'm not a pet, but I digress.). The owner is constantly ranting and raving like a madman, threatening to punch people (customers, employees, even his own mother) in the face the next time something goes wrong. Morale is low, and nothing is being done to encourage a positive attitude. I would rather stay in bed than come to work, but as I'm the one who provides health care for the family, I have little choice but to come to work. Jobs here are scarce, and moving isn't on the list of things to consider.

All of that to say, I can't imagine being in your position. I don't envy you at all, and really hope that you can hang in there, for all it's worth.

Thanks for letting me vent. :)

[Lizbon]

Several things:

1) Oh my god right there with you, professionally (and to a lesser extent, since I've been working on it for a while, personally).

2) I followed the link. It's a terrific post.

3) I have a marketing consultant to refer you to.

4) xoxo

[JoVE]

Hey, nice to know that I'm influencing people. Sorry it's making you feel yucky. Maybe you should try writing one of Havi's personal ads...

Or, do you like marketing consultants that are Canadians who drink a lot of wine a swear a lot? Naomi at IttyBizcom is doing a Marketing 101 course right now (we've had 2 weeks; they have been recorded; not sure if she's still taking people) and it's kind of fun. Not sure if it's what you need.

Oh and if you do B2B stuff, Kelly at Copylicious.com might be a possibility.

I'm actually the crazy person trying to grow my business right now. And finding a lot of the folks that hang out at the Fluent Self really helpful. You are creative. Maybe not an artist but definitely creative. and you WILL find a creative solution to this particular problem.

[evalyn]

Thanks for the link to Fluent Self. I've been dodging the trout of truth for some time now. It's only a matter of time.

[Shannon B]

Great article ("It's not") - thanks for the link.

This post is why I haven't even started my fantasy business. I'm all too aware that my life circumstances (young children), plus my natural tendency to ennui, will add up to panicked paralysis and screwing around on the internet, followed by a big 'GOING OUT OF BUSINESS' sign on my storefront.

Which is sad - this dying of a thousand deaths.