Anon.

I started this blog....5 years ago next week I think.

Typepad says 701 posts and 10140 comments, though I think some of those posts are still in draft form. 

It hasn't been much of a blog for a while, I know.  The situation as it stands right now is that my life doesn't feel open.  It started last year when I was struggling with a love thing that felt intensely private and rolled from there into this recession.  Not the recession itself so much, but the questions of desire and obligation and survival and values and paralysis that have come seeping out of my foundations as my work life has more or less collapsed and revealed the underlying faults.

I just wrote a couple of thousand words about all that but they are chaotic and unformed.  They might turn into a thing, or they might not.  We'll see.  Somewhere in the middle of them I started thinking about identity though.

I started this blog anonymously because - why?  Because I hated being looked at, because I did not want my family to accidentally google their way into this piece of my life, because, perhaps, I did not know who I was and naming myself felt like chains dragging while I looked.  Maybe I am a coward.  It's a bit silly: I never thought I'd meet anyone in real life because of this and now most of my most important people are here directly because of it.  I hid my name because it is distinctive and I wanted the freedom to not be spotted, and now, I will actually answer to Juno.

A few years ago I was at the Vermont Fiber Festival and someone was trying to get my attention - I was on my way out the door with a spinning wheel on my shoulder and my brother and his kids and she called and called and I was oblivious.  And then sharply - JUNO! and I whipped around and bounded back across the room - with the spinning wheel - to give her a hug. 

This is when I started to wonder which of us was which - because in some ways she feels more like me than my birth name.  It also feels like a lie though.  It occurred to me a few months ago that one of the big problems with my work life is that it exists as wholly separate from my life life.  I did that before I knew who I was too - or when I was still trying to live up to some false idol of what One Does. 

I think I am going to have to start making all my selves into one whole if I want to keep thriving though.  I can answer to both as long as long as they're all part of a whole, not compartments where bits of my soul are divvied up according to use and value.  

It's silly, a lot of you know this already, it's almost an anticlimax.  But hi.  I'm Cassandra Mosle.  Welcome to the inside of my head. 

Comments

[Xenon HID]

Nice info.Thanks for sharing.Glad to see you out and about. I had a mini "come out" when I put my real life name on a pattern that I put up on the blog. I've always loved your blog, and it gives me good things to think about.

[Kym]

Thanks. I've been reading your blog for a long time. Never commented. You always make me smile, or think, or both. I just started my blog own recently. I thought about it for a long, long time. I went through a rather drastic experience last year, and just felt the need to . . . express myself; to make myself more. . . I don't know . . . REAL? Anyway, it's great to meet you, Cassandra.

[Lee Ann]

Ah, my love, I called out JUNO because I was well-trained to call you that, and not Cassandra ;-)

Just to let the rest of you know, Cassandra Mosle gives the best hugs ever, and she can do it with a spinning wheel on her shoulder.

I'm extremely happy you're here, I have been since I first found you, and I'll keep reading, no matter what part of your life you choose to share. You're a treasure of a human being, and I'm lucky to call you friend.

[mamacate]

Well, I'm tragically behind and my five-year-old blog lies truly fallow, unlike yours. But it's nice to see you here in the sunshine. I've been hanging around in here for a while, and I'm here to tell you, it's a good place. Thanks for inviting us in.

[Carol Cousins-Tyler]

I am so glad to see that you are integrating all your personality bits together. Happy for you! So pleased to meet you Cassandra! (((HUGS))) I believe your life can only improve from here. Carol (GrizzlyBear)

[MH]

i've been reading your blog for a bit... and especially after reading today's entry... i want to be like you when i grow up.
thank you.

[Allyson]

Hiya Cassandra! I have been thinking a lot lately about how I compartmentalize my life. Looking forward to reading more from you.

[Ingrid]

Glad to see you out and about. I had a mini "come out" when I put my real life name on a pattern that I put up on the blog. I've always loved your blog, and it gives me good things to think about.

[Leah]

Ah, Identity. Grieving is said to bring about identity crisies, and I am in the middle of that. I am meditating and these meditators state the identity is the ego which is relative. In the absolute, the ego is a delusion. Therefore, I figure, not being clear about who I am is closer to the truth, than when I was very emphatic about who I was. I am certainly less obnoxious. I do have to remind myself that feeling uncertain comes with the territory. Walt Whitman said something about being larger and greater than he thought. (I think. I'll have to look it up.) I do believe that is true. I hope to see the day you celebrate swallowing both Juno and Cassandra whole.

[Carmen]

Hi Cassandra! Gorgeous name that suits you even more than Juno! Congratulations for the reveal!

[Denise~]

Hi Cassandra - can we still call you Juno?

I like your words. You make me think. You make me smile. The inside of your head is interesting.

So why Juno? Just curious. It doesn't matter.

[donna lee]

Hello, Cassandra, it's nice to meet you. When I started my blog, I dithered around about whether to use my name (and my family's names) because I worried about our 'information' being out there. But Donna Lee is who I am and who I choose to be so what's to worry about? If I were that worried about my privacy, I doubt I'd post photos of myself on the web. Juno was a lovely name but Cassandra? That shines. Good luck with pulling all the bits back together.

[mel]

Hi Cassandra. Nice to meet you :) I think it's funny how so many of us blog and yet still hope for a sense of anonymity, while having a place to knit & blather & think (not that you blather, I appreciate your posts, they always leave me thinking). I blog as my nickname, but now it's very much more possible to connect to my real name than it has been - And then there is the compartmentalization of different online things - I don't mind Twitter & my blog together, because they're both more about my life and my knitting. But I'm very scared of bringing the knitting into the FB world. Separate. The two shall not cross. Even though FB people could find my blog now if they really tried, the thought makes me sweaty.

[Baraka]

My dear, no matter what the name, the head you're writing from is enchanting. I had always imagined Juno as larger-than-life, goddess-like, magical. And to learn that you're really Cassandra? More magic, more goddess, more big-ness - and now prophecy as well!

As one who's had more names than is proper (named Brenda Jo, changed it to Beth at 18, became Baraka as a professional belly dancer, Batya for my Hebrew name) I can attest that it's definitely the content of the soul rather than the tags we put on that is of value.

No matter what you call yourself, as long as there are those who call you "friend" you are richer than Croesus!

[Suna]

Welcome from Suna, who is actually Sue Ann, so she understands a lot of this stuff! So many aspects of self running around.

[Jenny]

Wow at last I know your true identity ;) You have grown so much in the last five years - It is so amazing to watch you grow and change. And you really should write more!

[Sally]

Hello Cassandra, nice to meet you. Lovely to hear from you by whatever name you wish to use.

Your post has provoked all sorts of thoughts, as always. It seems to me that so many of us are in an uncomfortable period of deconstruction to get back to a good place - like sanding back old paint to a sound surface so we can put on a bright new protective one. Good luck with it - be interesting to see your new colours.

[Sara]

It's a really nice inside-of-head view - thanks for bringing us in for a look :)

No, it's not news to me, but kudos for unanon-ing yourself.

-Sara, also in a blog dry spell, for unparallel but similar reasons.

[Laurie]

Hi Cassandra, I'm Laurie. And I have liked having peeks inside your head. It seems like, generally, a good place to be. I do appreciate Juno. I have adopted a little Juno for me too. :-)

[Judy G.]

Hello Cassandra. I love what you write, and I am always amazed when bloggers let us into their lives. OPH (other people's heads) are a fascinating place, and I consider it a privilege to have a peek.

[Rachel H]

Well hello there.

[stephanie]

I love this.

[Cynthia]

As always, your journey is intriguing.

[Martha]

Hi Cassandra! I do hope you won't mind if I think of you as Juno--although I do make a conscious effort to remember not to call you that on the rare occasion that I get to see you.

[JenH]

Hi Cassandra - I met you first before I knew Juno. You bought me a beer the first time we met in Kensington Market, you were visiting. It was good.

I was awestruck.

Then I met Juno, enchanting indeed.

Swoon.

Jen