Postcard.

I tweeted the other day that I thought I had forgotten how to blog.  A kind soul emailed me and asked if I was depressed, but I don’t think that’s it. 

This has been a year full of stress and it’s easy to point the finger at The Economy but it is slowly seeping into my awareness that perhaps this is just a time of evolution MASKED by the shitty business climate.  Or brought into focus.

I wanna run away from home.  Except being me I want to run with a wagon full of books and yarn and fabric and a computer and 78 pairs of impractical shoes.  The TV can stay behind though.  I’m not good at letting go, at leaping.
What I mean is that I want a different life and I’ve kept digging away at it for years and years and changing and learning and taking up new activities until my life is utterly unrecognizable
and all that is so very great and yet, it is not enough.  I keep looking around and going, 'there's nothing for me here'.  There’s going to have to be a leap, I think.

I keep having dreams where I am massively stressed out by my forthcoming college graduation (which took place 18 years ago) - packing my dorm room and not having enough boxes, not knowing where to send them.  Waiting hungover in line to pick up my cap and gown and then not being able to make it to the ceremony in time......my sleeping mind is using the bluntest of instruments to get my attention.  Apparently I am working towards making decisions about who I am that are more typically made by those in their early 20s.  I’ve always been a late bloomer, what can I say?

I went to Rhinebeck and bought no fiber or yarn, I had a cigarette and found it utterly disgusting and unsmokable, I finished a sweater that fits perfectly and is exactly what I wanted, I keep eating things I think I like and finding them inedibly salty, I take vitamins now, I dyed my hair red, which I have been letting people talk me out of for 22 years.  What I am saying is...I hardly recognize myself in some ways.   I THINK it’s good, but we’ll see.

I’d love to say I’ll write more, but all this building force toward something feels private and banal in this weirdly complicated way, so it might be a lie.  It's not depression though - there's a vibrant kind of tension to it is way too energetic for that. 

What's up with y'all?

Comments

[Dr. Steph]

Me, I'm living with someone who is depressed and life does feel like a big pit sometimes and we both wish we could take the kids and leap into something else. But we're not good at that either and it's not *really* that easy.

So instead we're tearing up our house and working at it a bit at a time and while it makes life crazy, we're doing something and that's good.

There must be something about all this and the red hair. Red hair is good.

[Jenny]

Escape from the city - come and visit me up in the country. I know the new mayor - tee hee~
Let's get together this weekend - and yes, I still read your blog!

[Big Alice]

Y'all should move to the Northwest, so I can hang out with you. It's the new black (PNW, not me). We've got alpacas and we're not afraid to use them.

I am generally pissed off at the whole world this afternoon and possibly coming down with something. I'm going to go try and kill it with tea.

[donna lee]

Times of transition aren't necessarily the most comfortable ones to live through. Didn't the Chinese say something like "may you live in interesting times" but mean it as a curse?

[tina]

Well, somebody says that change is the one thing you can depend on. I love how you pay such wonderful attention, which is what keeps me checking in, even after all this time -- I'm happy to see a new post. You always make me think. And sweater-schmeater -- I wanna see that hair! Blessings. Keep us posted, howsoever infrequently.

[Jocelyn]

Sounds to me like all hell is about to break loose, but in a good way. That green-skies-before-the-big-storm feeling is a tough one, though; it keeps feeling like you're supposed to be doing something, battening down the storm hatches or whatever, when all you can really do is wait for the moment when movement is finally inevitable. Red hair is good. (Not unlike the knee-high Frye engineer boots I just bought myself to do some much-needed ass-kicking; sometimes symbols are crucial.)

[lanea]

This is one of those years, isn't it?

Keep listening to yourself, and I'm sure your leap will turn into a great adventure.

[Anne]

Love you, hon.

[Allyson]

Missed ya! So with you on this one. In may case I think it is because I am single and child-free not what everyone assumes I should be at 40.

[Laurie]

Anything we postpone til we are older gets harder and harder to accomplish. Just try to learn a foreign language. Postponing selfing must be the same kind of process.

[Chandler]

Evolution is a good thing. Go with it, and see where it takes you. Here's hoping we'll see you on the other side!

All the best—we'll all behind you, completely.

[Lizbon]

Darling, I think you know that I am in exactly, but precisely, the same place.

[Melissa]

This fall has been a particularly stressful time of year for me. When I started back at work (teaching) I was unhappy and anxious to move on, but I didn't (and still don't) know to what. I've been lonely and restless and a big ball of nerves for a month. Finally I decided it has to stop. I can't see where I'm going but I have to trust that God will get me there in His time and worrying isn't going to help anything.

I say all that to say: I can totally get where you are coming from. Some days I just dream about taking that leap, moving somewhere new, and reinventing myself.

[Jackie Chovanes]

Have you read "Summoning the Fates" by Z. Budapest? Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Summoning-Fates-Destiny-Sacred-Transformation/dp/0738710830/ref=pd_sim_b_1 Very interesting view of women's personal development and talks about twelve year cycles she believes we all go through. I've found it to be pretty right on in my own life. Best wishes to you on your journey.

[Amelia Garripoli]

Your post hit home here, too. There's something afoot -- and as soon as I figure it out, I'm hopping on the next train to whatever/wherever it is :-) Have fun with what the wind blows your way -- I know I'm having fun finding my new footsteps.

[Dharma]

I did essentially run away from home back in March, my life looks like it never has and yet I'm more me. More than a year ago I started adding red (Natural Instincts) to add brightness and make the gray look prettier. Go for it, whatever "it" is.

[evalyn]

I'm approaching my 60th birthday and if I may, let me tell you this: Every ten years or so, life throws us up in the air to see where we land. If this stops happening to you, that's when you should worry. Life is not always easy but sometimes it is; our vision is often not clear yet is sometimes like crystal. As long as we are moving and learning we are still living. Transistion is a bitch, but bitches give birth. So far it's been an Excellent Adventure for me. Hope yours continues as such.

[Sara]

You know - really I think that we are all always a work in progress - it's not that any degree (PhD or masters or any) signifies "completion".

And no, what you describe does not sound like depression.

Though I would like to see a pic of the sweater.

[claudia]

Well, something is trying to get your attention. It will be interesting to see exactly what, aye?

[caro]

Yep, I'm pretty sure that dream doesn't mean that you're blooming late, but rather that your brain knows something is coming. At least that's what I tell myself when I continue to have stress dreams about leaving people on chairlifts, since that was 20 years ago too. I know I'm worried about missing *something* critical, but who knows what.

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and pick a direction, doesn't really matter which one.

[caroline]

It's rather like a pressure wave building. Maybe there's a wave of a wave out here? whatever, you've (as usual) succinctly captured the feeling in words. My dreams are screaming at me, too. Curious to see what comes...And what Lynn says above about being kicked out of one's 'chair' every so many years might just be dead on. ack.

[Kelley Green]

I graduated the same year you did and we picked up and moved country last year. Change happens when it happens. Ours was definitely for the better. I feel like I've arrived home and should have done it years ago. Jump! It will probably be smashing. :)

[Kristine]

I wouldn't say that it's a late bloomer thing -- I'd say you're heading towards a time of transition, and that your mind is reliving a recent time of transition to get the gears greased.

[Lynn]

As far as I can tell, growing up consists of getting kicked in the butt and off one's comfortable chair every so often, into a completely different life. At least once a decade. Exhausting, it is (or maybe that's the aftermath of SOAR). Being a complex, intelligent, evolving human is not nearly as easy and rewarding as one would hope.

[Norma]

RED? I can't wait to see it. Your sweater was a-MAZ-ing at Rhinebeck. And always evolving/late bloomer/whatever -- it's all good. I think I bloomed a while ago, but I'm not dead yet, so I'm still evolving.