So I went to this place, and there was this thing, and then my head exploded. Kinda.

It's hard to explain. 

Let me tell you about my weekend.  For one thing, I went to California.  For one day.  Two days of travel, two nights, one day and 17 cups of peppermint tea.  Which really is my favorite.  Though the Moroccan Mint (a gunpowder black/mint bled) from this place on St. Mark's is really awesome.  That's another story though.

If I'd thought about it I would have stayed a bit longer and seen three or four entirely fabulous people who live within a 100 miles of where I was, but I did NOT think about it and now I know that maybe my mind was protecting me.  Because it was one of those things you can only process if it stays discrete.  

So I know I have mentioned The Fluent Self before, because Havi has a way of looking at things that stops me dead in my bullshit-generating tracks and makes me go - well ok Undeniable Truth, how nice to see you. 

I bought a yoga package from her a while ago and felt compelled to write her an email explaining that I was acting under irresistible compulsion, despite the fact that she was a total stranger to me and I had only been reading her blog for 2 days.  It seems reasonable to show her your tender underbelly, is what I am saying.  She is safety personified.

So I read her blog and I think it is mostly really interesting and sometimes just a little bit too hippy for me, because I am in denial abut how big a hippy I really am and I would sort of vaguely like to participate in one of her things, but you know, money.  And also, you know, weird.   I did a free teleclass but had to drop out halfway through when a customer called.   I bought a procrastination-o-matic but never opened it.  I know someone who participates in one of Havi's programs and has been successfully revising her life at a high rate of speed and that TOTALLY looks good to me.

But though I WANT I am also grumpy and scared and feel totally humorless a lot this year and it all (and by all I mean anything I want or need that's good) seems impossible, out of reach, illogical, unjustifiable.  Change is barreling down on me like the meteor in a Michael Bay movie - certain death - no, annihilation - inevitable, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I have no deep core drilling skills and I am neither NASA nor Bruce Willis.

I'm too cool to run in circles scream and shout of course.  I have dignity to protect, dammit, and people are looking.  But inside, there is screaming.

So a few months ago I am looking at Havi's blog and for once I am not catching up three days later and she has announced a one day thing on biggification.  And one day is SO MUCH LESS terrifying than like, a retreat.  And it is only half full. And it's almost affordable cause it's only one day.  And I have all these fucking miles sitting around collecting dust for a rainy day and well, if 2009 is not a rainy day I do not know what a rainy day looks like and hey award travel is really easy to book and look, there's still space and in some kind of fugue state I sign up for everything including a room at the B&B where the program is taking place.  And I HATE B&Bs*.

(I took out travel insurance though.  In case I chickened out.)

It feels like my free will was hijacked by the intuitive part of me that puts up with a LOT of bullshit from my rational mind, but occasionally sticks her nose out and says "oh my god will you stop already, do THIS" when its really important.

And then I put it on the calendar and otherwise blocked it out.  Until I got home from Thanksgiving and only had three days to go.

My battery is at 49% and I'm going to go make some soup now and find my power cord.  I'll tell you more later. 

*not this one though, this one I want to move to. 

Comments

[Visionsister]

Thank you so much for posting this! I have fallen madly in love with Havi, The Fluent Self, and Shiva Nata. Thanks for being the right push at the right time to find it.

[Thalia]

I so want to hear more about the day! Tell tell! And I must go check out this person Havi. Hmmm.

[Sydney]

Your intuitive self knows a lot more than it lets on. :)

I'm anxious to hear about your trip. I would have done it too if it hadn't been for that money thing. I've been reading Havi for a while now, although life recently got me off track.

[sil]

Oh honey, I go lots of places just for a day :) It's fine, sometimes that's all you need.

I shall wait to see why I shouldn't be mad that you came to my state and didn't say hi.

[Ruth]

Oooh, I can't wait to hear more. I will be eternally grateful to you for pointing me to the Fluent Self - I am working up the courage to try the Dance of Shiva (though I have never done yoga before), because I am living in a steadily shrinking box with a stack of conflicting imperatives and no resources but my wits and if I don't get a serious epiphany soon, my head is going to blow up (or so this month long headache would seem to indicate).

[elisa]

"But though I WANT I am also grumpy and scared and feel totally humorless a lot this year and it all (and by all I mean anything I want or need that's good) seems impossible, out of reach, illogical, unjustifiable. Change is barreling down on me like the meteor in a Michael Bay movie - certain death - no, annihilation - inevitable, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I have no deep core drilling skills and I am neither NASA nor Bruce Willis."

You're in my brain again, my dear...I read this post early this morning and have had the page open on my computer all day. I keep coming back to the quote above, reading and re-reading it. I feel like the queen of humorless, waiting for the meteor and subsequent annihilation with far less grace than I would hope.

[mel]

I can't wait to read the rest of this. I think I found Havi through you and the pattern stuff made total sense to me - but the Dance of Shiva thing was weird to me. And then I read more and something about it was intriguing and I almost ordered it for at least two weeks. And there's something about it that totally freaks me out (which is why, like my yoga, I get on and fall off the wagon periodically - seems like I have to take a break when things get intense. Chicken? Yes. The things I need the most are those that I generally struggle to keep up with. At least I keep coming back, when I feel brave again.) My life has been in a big state of flux for the last few years (which, Ha! is hysterical! Because on the surface it is just the same - same jobs, same house, etc - but internally, everything's different. I don't recognize myself anymore. In a mostly-good way.) but I'm actually starting to see a potential end/beginning point on the horizon - when debts are paid and we have the freedom to make a huge change... and I'm still flopping around trying to find my way to beginning WHAT, exactly? I have some good ideas, but trying to figure out how to get from here to there and reach any sort of decisions is absolutely terrifying. I'm writing a book. Your posts often touch a nerve with me - I appreciate you sharing this so openly. I can't wait to read the rest of your story (and by that I mean this particular one, and also where this goes on a larger scale)

[Bams]

It sounds fabulous! Better not use that insurance and cancel.

I do think it's hilarious that you bought the procrastination thing and never opened it.

[Bullwinkle]

??!! Yay! You went! I can hardly wait to hear about it!

I'm another mostly-lurker (have you any idea of when I graduate from mostly-lurker to regular reader?) who you sent over to Havi. (I got the Dance of Shiva and I'm loving it.)

(I'm also a big screaming chicken and can't quite bring myself to do a "retreat".)

[Anne]

I just followed that link and fell down about 3 rabbit holes and stumbled on The Brazen Careerist blog. Really interesting.

[Jocelyn]

I recognize the symptoms of getting oneself sideways into exactly what it is that one needs to do. Can't wait to hear the rest!

[kmkat]

Haven't read Havi's blog nor ever done yoga, but if the fluent self is anything like the intuitive self, that gut feeling? Act on it. You are 99.47% sure to be glad afterward.

[Rose]

Good for you! Otherwise, what's the point in being a grown-up!!

[Jessica]

Woo! I picked up the fluent self after you started writing about it on this blog, and I have been skirting around Havi's blog and stuff as well. Congratulations on taking the leap! Just reading her stuff makes me think about things in a different way.

[Lynn]

I can't wait. Perhaps it's only this incipient cold (all you fucking viruses circling me this fall? GO AWAY). but I am desperate to change. Feel free to point out a possible path.