My car is being detailed RIGHT NOW, which is very pleasing to me. Life feels so overwhelming these years that I'm trying to just do a project until it's done and then do the next one. I figure if I keep doing this life will still be confusing but it won't have that extra edge of despair, which, you know, is good. Plus I might discover something good along the way.
Small bites. One of the projects was my car which has attained the age of 9 and a half. I spent several months going Car payment? NO. Car payment? Yes? And decided to keep the Jeep going until I have saved up properly for a new one or until it stops, smoking, by the side of the road and I have no choice. So over the last few months I have fixed and serviced everything, including some bodywork. The top-to-bottom cleaning is the last step and then I will, you understand, have actually FINISHED something on my list of looming things. It's a remarkable feeling.
I cleaned behind my stove the other day and found a cutting board I've been missing for YEARS. That's another thing I've been meaning to take care of for a long time. Also a good feeling, plus the floor cleaner is so organic you could eat it AND smells like spearmint.
Next up: the cat's teeth. Which is a whole thing. She does not care for going to the vet and she is quick and wiley and suprisingly bright for someone with a brain the size of a walnut.
So I got smacked around this morning my my own head, which is always fun. There was this guy, he's a dick but I used to love him and I just found out he's been sick, the bad kind of sick, so I sent him an email saying I'm glad you're not dead.
But then I woke up today all freaked out and had to work through why - one of my friends (who, fairly enough, despises him) thinks he's a trigger for self-loathing but honestly I do not need anyone to make me self-loathing, I do that ALL BY MYSELF, or more accurately, the skills for that were instilled a long time ago. He - well no way to summarize in any useful fashion. The harsh judging of the me is self-inflicted though, I just used him as an excuse to doubt myself - it it hadn't have been him it would have been something else. His dickishness took other forms. I'm sorry he's been sick though. It makes me really sad.
I'm getting better at this stuff though, the friend who told me about his thing was having a Real Bad Day herself and I don't think I let my old habits in this matter stop me from being there for her. I'm pretty happy about that too.
The thing that I'm most mental about right now is the future. Having a plan. Going somewhere interesting. Work.
Which is counterproductive. You just get there - where ever there is - by doing one thing at a time and hurdling the mounds of self hate when they erupt in front of you and trying not to fear the moments that happen. Or at least that's what I think. I hate a plan. Long for it, but hate it and wouldn't follow it if I had it.
What is WITH the conviction that absolute security is a) desirable and b) even possible? Isn't it a flat line?
Perpetual irresolution, chord that returns to the tonic for fleeting moments only.
(orson scott card, earthborn, quoted from memory, so maybe not entirely accurate)
That is a pretty succinct approximation of life, IMHO.
It took me to get to almost fifty to understand this. Still find it hard to accept, sometimes. Be nice to arrive somewhere and be allowed to stay, huh?
Posted by: lazykaty | 11 July 2011 at 08:44 AM
Security in all realms is an illusion. We probably choose to work on the securities that mean most to us. Some are more attainable than others. Lots of layers to that one.
The projects don't end til you die. I am chewing slowly on many these days, and trying to keep the list current. I'm lucky if I keep up on the ones with timed deadlines.
Posted by: Laurie | 30 June 2011 at 04:51 PM
What's impressive is that you recognized that sick feeling and where it came from. It's so easy to walk around feeling like crap and reacting to it without knowing why. As for the security thing - stasis always seems so tempting (after all, that way one knows exactly what to do all the time, right?), but my guess is that it'd be boring after a very short while.
Posted by: Jocelyn | 24 June 2011 at 01:15 PM
What Kate said. I can't bear for anyone to be in pain, much less someone who meant a lot to me at some point in my life, so I totally get it. You're a good, empathetic soul.
Small bites are certainly more manageable than large ones, and less likely to make you choke than big ones. I hope we get to see one another soon. Big, big hugs to you, beloved friend.
Posted by: regina | 22 June 2011 at 08:47 PM
I love the idea of small bites and I get so amped up when I notice their effects in my own life. But then... for some reason I stop paying attention. My pattern seems to be getting really excited about something huge but then not knowing where to start (or not feeling as excited about the smaller steps) so I "forget" all about it. If only I could transfer the excitement I feel about BIG things into the motivation to take small bites...
And as for the security thing, I have just been realizing what a rush I've been in to figure things out. To set up my life just so, work and relationships and place and all of it, i.e. security. What am I expecting to feel when I get there? Do I really imagine that I can get it all ordered and controlled and then just... live. Then? Then I'll live? It sounds crazy now, if that is actually what I've been expecting.
Anyway, I'm always grateful for a new post from you.
Posted by: Briana | 22 June 2011 at 07:02 PM
on security, it recently occurred to me that this term is also the blanket term for jails, armed guards, etc. Remembering this might help see that even if it were achievable, it might have it's own problems.
Posted by: JoVE | 22 June 2011 at 02:37 PM
I'd have to fall on the side of security being impossible, no matter how much we might desire it. All it takes is one unexpected incident and it can all crumble. At least, if we're talking about "security" as a stability of finance, or emotion, or occupation. The universe, she dearly loves change and surprise far more than temporary stability.
What I've found more achievable is equanimity in the face of change. Whether you chant or do yoga or pray or whatever other method you have to release yourself from the vagaries of desire, it's more reliable to recognize that everything, stable and un-, passes.
Some 40 years ago, I was an intern at a hippie radio station. All the control room clocks - big giant 18" diameter clocks in tiny rooms - had stickers right in the middle of the face saying "It Is Always Now" and that has always stuck with me.
So enjoy the now-ness of a lovingly rehabbed Jeep (you and Crazy Aunt Purl!) and just love who and what you are right now, flaws and all. Goddess knows, we've all got plenty of them!
Posted by: Baraka | 22 June 2011 at 01:05 PM
I find small bites to be so helpful, but I also find them hard to do. I have to admit - I read your first sentence, stopped and made an appointment for my car to get detailed. It's been on my list for 2 weeks to just call. Check! Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by: Jennifer | 22 June 2011 at 12:57 PM
I have come to decide in the past year that security is over-rated & one can miss out on a lot of great experiences if one prioritizes it. That said, sometimes you need a period of extreme security to make you courageous enough to go without it.
Posted by: Martha | 22 June 2011 at 12:50 PM
RE; the dickish ex? Well, I get it: he was a part of your life, contributed to who you are now (for better or for worse, those we let in leave impressions) and his illness makes you sad. it's okay to feel sad for people, even bad people.
Good for you for this journey... :)
Posted by: Kate | 22 June 2011 at 12:42 PM