It's hard to explain.
Let me tell you about my weekend. For one thing, I went to California. For one day. Two days of travel, two nights, one day and 17 cups of peppermint tea. Which really is my favorite. Though the Moroccan Mint (a gunpowder black/mint bled) from this place on St. Mark's is really awesome. That's another story though.
If I'd thought about it I would have stayed a bit longer and seen three or four entirely fabulous people who live within a 100 miles of where I was, but I did NOT think about it and now I know that maybe my mind was protecting me. Because it was one of those things you can only process if it stays discrete.
So I know I have mentioned The Fluent Self before, because Havi has a way of looking at things that stops me dead in my bullshit-generating tracks and makes me go - well ok Undeniable Truth, how nice to see you.
I bought a yoga package from her a while ago and felt compelled to write her an email explaining that I was acting under irresistible compulsion, despite the fact that she was a total stranger to me and I had only been reading her blog for 2 days. It seems reasonable to show her your tender underbelly, is what I am saying. She is safety personified.
So I read her blog and I think it is mostly really interesting and sometimes just a little bit too hippy for me, because I am in denial abut how big a hippy I really am and I would sort of vaguely like to participate in one of her things, but you know, money. And also, you know, weird. I did a free teleclass but had to drop out halfway through when a customer called. I bought a procrastination-o-matic but never opened it. I know someone who participates in one of Havi's programs and has been successfully revising her life at a high rate of speed and that TOTALLY looks good to me.
But though I WANT I am also grumpy and scared and feel totally humorless a lot this year and it all (and by all I mean anything I want or need that's good) seems impossible, out of reach, illogical, unjustifiable. Change is barreling down on me like the meteor in a Michael Bay movie - certain death - no, annihilation - inevitable, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I have no deep core drilling skills and I am neither NASA nor Bruce Willis.
I'm too cool to run in circles scream and shout of course. I have dignity to protect, dammit, and people are looking. But inside, there is screaming.
So a few months ago I am looking at Havi's blog and for once I am not catching up three days later and she has announced a one day thing on biggification. And one day is SO MUCH LESS terrifying than like, a retreat. And it is only half full. And it's almost affordable cause it's only one day. And I have all these fucking miles sitting around collecting dust for a rainy day and well, if 2009 is not a rainy day I do not know what a rainy day looks like and hey award travel is really easy to book and look, there's still space and in some kind of fugue state I sign up for everything including a room at the B&B where the program is taking place. And I HATE B&Bs*.
(I took out travel insurance though. In case I chickened out.)
It feels like my free will was hijacked by the intuitive part of me that puts up with a LOT of bullshit from my rational mind, but occasionally sticks her nose out and says "oh my god will you stop already, do THIS" when its really important.
And then I put it on the calendar and otherwise blocked it out. Until I got home from Thanksgiving and only had three days to go.
My battery is at 49% and I'm going to go make some soup now and find my power cord. I'll tell you more later.
*not this one though, this one I want to move to.