The invoices are gathering dust in a pile on top of which I have placed my new keyboard.
I'm restless and not working, and I might as well admit it and do something that is purposeful, if not useful. This is a key thing I'm still learning after nearly 10 years as the boss - work has an ebb and flow thats about productivity and balance rather than hours in the day with your butt in the seat. I waste a lot of time not accomplishing while denying my procrastination in such a way that I don't just go do something else enjoyable or useful. Its an strange internally-enforced passivity with a strong note of conventional thinking behind it.
This is on my mind a lot these days. Allocation of time.
I'm beginning to see someone new and he got me talking about fiber the other day, a thing I have given some time to in the past. Afterwards he said he'd been looking for a way into that conversation for ages, both because he is interested (He has Opinions about goats; namely, that they are Good) and because I am. (It was oddly shocking to feel the absolute truth of that statement. You know when someone's really interested in you, of course, but there's knowing and then there's feeling it like a shock in your ankle bones. In the ankle bones of your psyche. Impact. Real.) What followed was a very amusing conversation revolving around his definition of gauge (diameter of wire) and my definition of gauge (stitches and rows per inch). And the economics of the cashmere industry. And commercial vs. handmade sweater weights.
Describing it - knitting, spinning, the tactile pleasures, the outlines
of the art and technology of it - to someone with no prior frame of reference
for it has me thinking about the fiber arts though. So I like wool, right, this reminded me I have lots to say about it, but truly I must admit, I've barely been near it in months. Lots of reasons.
Why HAVE I let them lie fallow for so long? What are those reasons?
No spinning for more than a year really - I've had an on and off shoulder problem since December of 2008, and that didn't help. I skipped the last SOAR because of money and worries. I only went to Rhinebeck last year, rather than Rhinebeck and Maryland and Cummington and maybe New Hampshire and bought...a project bag I think. I didn't visit Toronto last year either. Or buy any fiber and VERY little yarn (Oh Colourmart, I cannot resist you).
I've been reading about sewing, though not in any kind of action taking way. I've been a bit adrift.
I've knit the same yarn into a 8 inches of top down raglan THREE times between Thanksgiving and Easter, before realizing that I was not listening to the message I was being sent and switching to a knit-in-pieces design. I have made a sleeve so far. In 4 months. It's very nice.
So I still LIKE fiber, that's clear, my house is still full of it, as well as a strange spreading contagion of piles of fabric for the clothing I do not yet know how to make (I'm afeared of the serger, I am). I made a passing and limp remark about getting rid of some of it recently, one that felt like a gesture to conventional thinking and, really, bullshit.
It's been a frightening and challenging 2 years, hasn't it? And that's what it is, the real reason. I practice yoga and go to the gym not least because they help me not freak out, help me be in the moment rather than frantically trying to control outcomes that are out of my hands or just panicking. But making things, learning things for pleasure, creating, writing all feel like the most profligate waste of resources. Felt like. Sit and knit, in selfish quiet, when I could be Planning What Comes Next? Go on a date, enjoy myself and extend emotional energy to another, when I could be worrying pointlessly? This is Not Allowed.
I think its slowly dawning on me that denying myself pleasure and the refuge of things I love and am good at are increasing my sense of paralysis, decreasing my ability to shape my ideas for the future. These things are not a cookie I can reward myself with when I have Solved Everything. They're part of the fuel that makes me run well. It's hard to let go of the stern prohibition against enjoyment and to understand the difference between procrastination and experiencing creativity and creation as a life force.
I'm pulling it apart a little now: as I said I'm involved with someone and it is, oddly, freeing more energy for creative thinking instead of sucking it all away, I'm reading more and I spun for the first time a week or so ago and the next day I felt amazingly good, lively and peaceful.
I have these ideas and I need to make them into a thing and all this time I've been not doing anything that wasn't Making The Thing, and yet, not being able to quite Make the Thing because of fear, and punishing myself by taking away the things that make the fear less and the mind more clear. When I say it like that it's a bit ...well I'm going to have to go with dumb.