Youtube is making me want a kitten.
In much the same fashion that etsy is making me want a ruby necklace.
I do not need a kitten.
I do not need a ruby necklace.
There are the obvious reasons. Kittens are a pain in the ass. I already have a cat who would murder me as I slept if I brought home any such thing. I do not have 2400 bucks to spend on jewelry. If I DID have 2400 bucks to spend on anything I should spend it on my house, or my retirement. Or travel. Or not AT ALL.
But oh, I want them. Because I want the life that goes with them - a clean house and the worry free time to play with an infant animal. An event to wear a ruby necklace at - a party or a fantastic restaurant with great company at which I am dazzling and happy. I swear this is the idea behind 90% of my spending and acquisition.
These are fantasies of a clean and glamorous alternate reality where nobody hairballs on my bedroom rug (I do not regret the steam cleaner ONE TINY BIT) and I did not spend an hour removing cat hair from a blanket - it never comes off in the wash, you have to brush it - only to come back to the guest room and find this:
Same blanket. Of course.
These are fantasies of happiness and love and contentment and joy that seem some days so very elusive.
The most obvious and most important reason is that --surrendering, I guess - to these fantasies perpetuates the least desirable aspects of your reality. Blowing cash or worse, credit, on jewelry I may never wear will just take me a step further from a life where I might have more worry-free time to play with my existing cat. Among other things.
I have a lot of trouble with that, the indulgence of the moment. I pulled two dozen books off the shelf this weekend, things I've never read and never will. I packed up a dozen pairs of shoes for Goodwill. In the last two years, while I 'wasn't buying yarn,' I managed to acquire oh, 24 lots that need documenting for Ravelry (TWENTY FOUR. All excellent bargains! But still....).
All of that together was probably enough to paint my house, with a nice dinner in Manhattan on the side. A really REALLY nice dinner. Which is sobering.
Etsy and youtube are not making me do anything. They are somewhere between blameless and irrelevant in this equation. It's me. My wanting. My confusion about how I get from A to B in my life. I know better, but knowing better is not my first response yet, it's my 3rd, or 4th.
I'm getting better, but how do you stop that voice that says this THING will make something better, get it, you deserve it. I've said it to others, others have said it to me. But no one deserves THINGS. That grants a bit too much power to stuff, you know?
How do you connect the synapse for long term understanding? How do you act from there FIRST?